Live Show Review: An Evening With Henry Rollins

September 28, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

The Show: An Evening With Henry Rollins

The Performer: Henry Rollins (funny that)

The Venue: Arts Centre, Melbourne

Date: September 19, 2016

Last week I once again had the privilege of watching the aging alternative icon live. This is the third time in the last 10 years I have been able to see Henry Rollins do his spoken word show in person. In fact if you ever get the chance to watch the ‘Henry Rollins Provoked: Live from Melbourne’ DVD you can listen to me during the credits raving about how the show was 3 ½ hours long and I wish it had been even longer! Or else that snippet of my fanboy gushing is on youtube at the 4.45 mark HERE.

The performance this year was at the State Theater in Melbourne, a huge room that fits just over 2000 and indeed it was completely packed out. It was interesting to see the rest of the crowd, I think the majority were in their thirties and forties with a smattering of fans in their twenties and a healthy dose of the 50+ range.

Rollins was his usual self. For an 8pm start he hit the stage at 8.05 (and I think the only reason he waited 5 minutes was for the latecomers to be seated) and as soon as he picked up the mike the mouth started going and didn’t stop for 2 ½ hours (good value for a 2 hour show eh!) with big dollops of sweat dropping from his left elbow illuminated in the spotlights. As usual he started off talking about some of the local issues, in particular how despite his extensive vocabulary he had to look up the word ‘plebiscite’ and then proceeded give voice to what many Aussies at this time are thinking “Really? Spending 160 MILLION DOLLARS on a question that in this century should be a complete no-brainer?”

I’ve noticed over the years that Rollins talks less and less about his showbiz days and more and more about his travels to different countries and this show was no different. In fact the two showbiz stories he did tell I had heard before (about being on a plane with Motorhead and when he had lunch with David Bowie) but it was nice to hear them again and let’s face it, it’s hard to do new material for fans that obsessively watch every second of stage time you perform whenever another fans loads it on youtube.

I was a bit afraid that this show may go the way of the second live show I had seen him perform, which had been great as always but had almost verged on being a bit too preachy in telling people how they should travel more (I’d love to Mr. Rollins, truly I would. However I have a wife, kids and a mortgage that sadly I have to support with a day job which precludes me from taking off to Nepal on a whim). But no, while there were lots of travel stories they were funny, entertaining and I can’t get the image out of my head of Rollins listening to Iggy Pop while half buried in snow at the South Pole, fecal-covered penguins rutting like mad not 5 feet away.

The rest of the show was talking about how various old ideas society holds need to either reworked or thrown out which lead into discussions about his family (I had heard a lot about his family on different spoken word CD’s but even I learned some things about the man’s life I didn’t know before) and various other topics. He often talked about the hate emails he gets for not hating particular groups like LGBIT’s and various ethnic groups and being told to get out of the county, sadly a trend that seems to be cropping up on our once ‘most friendly nation on earth’ continent as well. One thing both I and my mate Matt who came with me noted was that Rollins did not swear once. I mean – not one time! Now he has never been particularly prolific with his penchant for profanity but neither have I heard him shy away from using f*ck, sh*t, a**hole and the like when emphasizing a point or when a sentence could benefit from it. But not one swear here, in fact when giving examples of what people say about his President he would utter sentences like “Oh the President is a BEEP BEEP BEEP”. Yes, he actually said BEEP. I don’t know whether the lack of his usual mild obscenities was due to being in such a classy place like the State Theatre or whether this is par for the course for him now that he has reached the respectable age of 55. Could it perhaps be a result of his vegetarianism? His first spoken word CD I ever listened to a looong time ago to had plenty of curse words whilst talking about eating in Russia and mocking the vegetarians for the crappy food they were about to receive (“C’mon Veggie boy – eat your shit, you non-warrior pussy!”) and how he was looking forward to his big hunk of meat. Now he eats no meat at all and uses BEEP in a sentence. There may be no correlation there but I do wonder. Meat and swearing and now neither swearing nor meat…. hmmm… this requires study. I best start rounding up a large enough pool of test subjects to examine this hypothesis.

Anyway, once again Henry Rollins provided a great show. As said, he went a good half hour over time which means you were getting even better value for money. He was intelligent, insightful, witty, funny and was able to entertain the crowd discussing a diverse range of subject matter. So if An Evening with Henry Rollins sounds good to you (and I know a few female friends who certainly wouldn’t mind) try to catch a show before he heads back overseas – if you miss him this time then I encourage you to catch him on his next Aussie tour.

Transformer Toy Reviews

Toy Review – Unite Warriors Computron VS Combiner Wars Computron

September 26, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

As the last of the vehicle-themed Gestalt Groups based on the American G1 cartoon and toyline, many people have been hanging out to get their greedy little cyber-mitts on the Technobots. However unlike most of the other Gestalt Groups, there are a lot of distinct differences between the Unite Warriors and the Combiner Wars versions of the teams. Plus they have been released within a month of each other, rather than six months apart like most of the other toys. So here we go, in what is probably my biggest and most detailed Transformers review to date, a comparison of the two gift sets: Unite Warriors Computron VS Combiner Wars Computron!

CW Lightsteed VS UW Lightspeed– Robot Mode

The CW version (Lightsteed) is a direct palette-swap of the CW Protectobot Streetwise and it shows. Luckily Streetwise was a pretty cool looking robot and Lightsteed also comes with Streetwise’s shotgun. The UW version (Lightspeed) is a retool of CW Wheeljack with two new guns. With the new head, red thighs and windshield on the chest Lightspeed is the more character faithful and cooler looking of the two

UW Lightspeed VS CW Lightsteed – Vehicle Mode

The original Lightspeed had a dome-like windshield that wrapped all the way around to make him look more like a Cybertronian Speeder rather than a Terran Automobile. Lightsteed’s vehicle mode (again, a direct palette-swap of Streetwise) manages this well and in colour hue is more faithful to the original toy. Lightspeed however has a more comic faithful colour scheme as well as the spoiler and side guns like the original toy, whereas Lightsteeds shotgun goes on the roof and he is still sporting the police lights rack which does not suit him.

Winner: UW Lightspeed

CW Afterbreaker VS UW Afterburner – Robot Mode

These figures are essentially palette-swaps of each other. You can differentiate between the two somewhat by varying the way the windshield and front wheel are positioned on his back. Afterbreakers colour hues are more G1-toy accurate whereas Afterburners are more G1-cartoon accurate. Neither’s guns are really G1-faithful but Afterburners look cooler rather than just being copies of UW Groove’s.

UW Afterburner VS CW Afterbreaker – Vehicle Mode

Again, a direct palette sway of each other and again Afterbreaker is more toy accurate whereas Afterburner is mode cartoon accurate. The windshield has been lowered from the Groove mold to make it more cockpit like reminiscent of the original character though neither has a G1 accurate cockpit colour (Afterbreaker’s is green and Afterburner’s is blue). Once again, Afterburners guns look a bit cooler at the sides than Afterbreaker’s.

Winner: UW Afterburner (by an Energon sliver)

CW Strafe VS UW Strafe – Robot Mode

Like many of the other Technobots, Strafe’s colour schemes tend towards the toy on the CW side and the cartoon on the UW side. This is most evident in their visors. However the UW version has the small shoulder wings and more importantly can take off his vehicle mode’s guns and use them as pistols. And let’s face it, the UW version seems to be just that bit more striking.

CW Strafe VS UW Strafe – Vehicle Mode

These are both really cool! Both have been heavily retooled from different UW molds and as a result have completely different looks! CW Strafe is boxy, has a black cockpit and looks like it could be out of a Halo game or Starship Troopers movie. UW Strafe has an extra gun at the top and a curved prow giving him a sleek alien-drone look. Neither fully replicate the original G1-toys look but that’s ok because they both look great! Both do however have the twin tailfins and the twin laser guns at the front. I love both of these and would be hard pressed to pick a winner between the two.

Winner: UW Strafe (because of the robot mode)

UW Nosecone VS CW Nosecone – Robot Mode

Never is the difference in direction taken to homage the cartoon VS the toy in the new Technobots more evident than in Nosecone. CW Noscone has the tank tracks on the shoulders like G1 (both the original toy AND cartoon) and his colour scheme is very much the original G1 toy, using light orange, dull grey and a red face. UW Nosecone has more browns in it, is white in the chest like the cartoon and sports new features like having the guns in the shoulders. Both can use their drill pieces as a hand weapon, CW’s drill looking more realistic as a hand weapon due to being less bulky.

CW Nosecone VS UW Nosecone – Vehicle Mode

Like Strafe, Nosecone has been retooled from two distinct CW molds. UW Nosecone is a heavy retool of CW Protectobot Rook while CW Nosecone is a slight retool of CW Combaticon Brawl. If the UW version had not come along people probably would have been happy enough with the CW version. But as it stands the UW version is heads and giant-drill-bits above the competition! Instead of looking like a regular tank with a drill instead of a cannon, UW Nosecone really does justice to the original character and with the new shape, the guns on top and aforementioned giant drill bit he looks fantastic! Probably the best looking Drill Tank transformer we have had to date!

Winner: UW Nosecone (because of the brilliant vehicle mode)

CW Scattershot VS UW Scattershot – Robot Mode

To save confusion, in this review I am referring the to the CW Scattershot that came as part of the Computron gift set, not the individually packaged bot that came out a year earlier though I will be making reference to it. CW Scattershot has a long rifle like the original figure (even if it is Silverbolt’s) and blue detailing on bits of his body like the stickers on the G1 toy. UW Scattershot has a lot more browns in him like the original toy but comes with two big blasters. Both have a blue visor and white face like the cartoon whereas the independent Scattershot had a completely blue face like the toy.

CW Scattershot VS UW Scattershot – Vehicle Mode

Perhaps the one example where the UW versions colour scheme is more G1-toy accurate than the CW version. CW Scattershot has red along the ships nose/cannon whereas the UW version is completely white. I don’t mind this too much as it differentiates the two CW versions and it looks pretty cool. With the new guns whilst the CW versions one goes under the existing cannon to make it ludicrously long, the UW’s versions go under the wings which I think works quite well. None of these versions are as cool as the original toy in my opinion and of course they all lack the third Cannon Emplacement mode.

Winner: Pretty close but I have to give it to UW Scattershot because of the differences he brings to Computron which I will go into soon.

CW Scrounge with CW Targetmaster Partner Cybaxx

There is no comparison to write here as these two only come with the Combiner Wars version of the Computron gift set. Scrounge is a retool of Generations Cosmos with a comic-accurate head and Cybaxx is a direct recolour of Generations Payload. Both are cool enough toys but G1 enthusiasts have been thrilled to get after so many years a toy of Scrounge who has been a very obscure comic character, known mainly for his long arm and traumatizing Blaster by dying.

CW Computron VS UW Computron

I don’t think any of the other gestalts from the two lines have differed so much. Mainly they have been copies of each other with slightly different colour schemes and maybe one of the characters has a different mold (Blast off and Groove) or an extra character (Blackjack and Powerglide). Here we see a UW Computron with a new chestplate, fairly uniform colour scheme and new head as well as a downward facing drill on his left knee. CW Computron has the much improved hands and feet which first arose with the Victorion gift set and can attach Scrounge and Cybaxx on his left shoulder. Both versions have advantages that the other does not have and, on top of the differences already mentioned, due to being able to position Afterburner/breakers motorcycle front differently as well as the differences between Strafe and Nosecone they look like different parallel-universe versions of each other rather than a simple palette swap. This is enhanced by the fact that UW Scattershot brings into the mix a new chestplate and head whereas CW Scattershot makes Computron look a bit too much like Superion when displayed together.

Winner: UW Computron (due in large part to the new head and chest)

So overall, which should you get?

Well, overall, especially when it comes to the limb characters, Unite Warriors is a definite winner and if you were to only buy one this is the one I would choose. However the Combiner Wars version of this group is pretty good too and has extras like a poster, trading card and two extra characters. Personally I will be mix & matching. I will be using Scattershot from UW with the limb characters and hands & feet from the CW version to make Computron whilst I will be using all the others to represent the individual bots. But a great effort by both Hasbro and Tak/Tom and whichever way you go you will not be disappointed by your purchase.

Meaty Goodness!, Tales of the Trev

Big Angry Trev VS the 1.5kg Pork Schnitzel!

September 24, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

I’ve had a love of German food since I first visited the country many years ago. While the French might win on exquisite taste, the Germans win on cooking up succulent huge pieces of quadruped, wrapping it in cabbage or breadcrumbs and washing it down with a enough beer to sink a footy team. I had some brilliant feeds in Germany, so when I heard there was a food challenge to be had at the Hofbrauhaus German restaurant in Melbourne I simply couldn’t resist.

The challenge: To eat a 1.5kg pork schnitzel, a bowl of chips and a liter of German Bier in 45 minutes. If you do it, your meal is free and you get a t-shirt. If not, it costs you 75 big ones!

Now I was pretty confident going into this challenge. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve eaten that much pork in one sitting. When in Germany my girlfriend and I visited an old monastery where the only food you could order was Pork Knuckle with Sauerkraut and you ordered it by weight. I ordered a 1.5kg portion with a stein of Bock beer to go with it. We sat down with a bunch of Bavarian’s who told me in no uncertain terms that I should not have ordered the Bock beir, as with it being so heavy there would be no way I could finish that much meat.

Half an hour later they gave me a round of applause for out-eating them in their own country!

So yeah, I was pretty confident going into this. No-one that I had talked to doubted my ability to meet this challenge, though some thought the bowl of chips might trip me up. So on a Monday night myself and my good friend Matt went to Hofbrauhaus to show them how it’s done.

We were seated by our waitress who may have had the Bavarian Beer Maid costume with the requisite, and possibly mandatory, pushed-up cleavage but came across as a young, timid Aussie lass who probably has had one too many customers try to pinch her butt in her short career. The manager, again, not German, definitely Indian and still had a decent accent going, came and explained the challenge to me. He also had us move tables as the one we had been seated at was not big enough to accommodate my coming plate, which we thought was pretty cool.

Soon after, the manager comes back out ringing a big cow bell, followed by a man carrying my huge plate! My mouth watered at the sight of so much meat! He set the timer, told me I had 45 minutes and wished me luck.

I never saw him again.

With only 45 minutes to eat a kilo and a half of pork, a ton of chips and a litre of bier, I hoed straight in. First pitfall – this meal was at about a thousand degrees! I didn’t have time to wait for it to cool so I cut half of it into large mouthful sized pieces so it could cool somewhat and started shoveling the overly hot meat into my mouth. I could feel it burning the roof of my mouth when the rough schnitzel coating was scraping against it but I persevered.

meattt

About 400gm and 10 minutes in into the 1.5kg the food had cooled enough that I could now actually taste it and here is where the trouble began. This was a BAD schnitzel. I mean, it tasted TERRIBLE! The hard coating of it genuinely tasted like bad KFC (is there truly any other kind?) and upon examination it was not grade-A pork within but rather this really fatty, low quality meat. Matt hypothesized that maybe you can’t get a piece of pork that big without it being fatty but I’m assured by my friend Margie – who like me grew up on a farm – that you can have non fat-ridden pieces of pig meat that large.

Now up until now I had NEVER had bad German food. All the food in Germany itself was brilliant and the few times I’ve visited German restaurants in Australia the food has been pretty good. I also don’t think I’ve ever had a particularly bad schnitzel either. So for this giant one to taste as bad as it did was a massive surprise and the one eventuality I did not prepare for. Since the waitress was Aussie and the manager Indian, I’m guessing there were no Germans in the actual kitchen because I guarantee that no German chef worth his salt would have served up this monstrosity.

I continued to eat but with every mouthful I felt queasy. At about 600gm and 25 minutes in I realize that if I manage to eat the whole thing I am going to be seriously ill. Matt and I had tickets to see Henry Rollins at the Arts Centre for about 90 minutes hence and all I could imagine was me missing half the show because I’m in the toilet vomiting. That’s when, to my shame, I realize I am not going to meet this challenge. None of the staff have come back to check on my progress, which I found a bit suss considering the big deal they made of it. Since I am not going to eat it I offer Matt a bite to gauge his opinion on the quality of the food. Matt takes one bite of the Schnitzel meat, screws up his face and says “No, that is seriously disgusting. Don’t eat it man, you’ll be sick”.

And that’s it. That was the end of the challenge – I didn’t even finish half! Once again, even when the 45 minutes expired (we had timers on our phones) no staff had come back to check progress which leads me to believe that between the heat of the food and the low quality they really didn’t expect me to finish it. If I’d had a bag with me I could have just tipped the boards contents into it and claimed I’d eaten it all – would have saved me $75.

Afterwards I was shaming myself for not having eaten it all, and seriously examining my own perceived self-image and who I was as a person if I could not eat a 1.5kg pork schnitzel. But then I realized, it’s like someone saying “Here, have sex with this person whom you find to have an offensive, horrible personality and a body to match” and you can’t get an erection. It’s not that you are suddenly impotent – you just can’t bring yourself to have sex with that train wreck. And that is what this food challenge was. It wasn’t that I couldn’t eat a kilo and a half of pork, it’s that I couldn’t bring myself to eat a kilo and a half of that foul shit. I did drink all the beer though.

Pretty poor fare from Hofbrauhaus. I’d been there once before about 8 years ago and while the food was not fantastic it hadn’t been bad either. Oh there could be excuses for why this schnitzel was so bad. Maybe their usual supplier of top quality huge pork pieces had nothing this week so they were forced to go with a dodgy guy. Maybe they treat their chefs like Men’s Clubs treat their strippers – they use their top quality ones on Friday and Saturday nights when business is busy and then use their rough ones (the chefs that couldn’t make toast and the strippers with acne and cesarean scars) on slow nights like a Monday. But I don’t think there is any excuse for a German-styled Pork Schnitzel to taste like bloody Kentucky Fried Chicken, especially when you are paying $75 damn dollars for the meal!

So overall quite a disappointing experience. But just in case I am giving myself an excuse I don’t deserve, I think I’m going to cook up a kilo and a half of good pork soon and chow down, just to prove to myself I still have what it takes. Will keep you crazy kids updated and post proof that my gastronomic prowess is still alive and kicking!

Random Reviews

Movie Review: Sausage Party

September 16, 2016 Big Angry Trev 1 Comment

Some movies make you laugh. Some movies move you to tears. Some movies dazzle you with fast paced action and brilliant special effects.

And sometimes you come across that movie that makes you walk out of the cinema with your brain slowly dribbling out of your ear saying “What the bloody hell did I just watch?!?”

If you like that kind of movie, then you will love Sausage Party.

*Looks a hell of a lot more innocent than it is!*

This movie is not for everyone. In fact I will say it is probably not for most people. Old people? Nope. Sensitive people? Nope. Normal people? Nope. Underage people? Oh dear god no – you’ll traumatize them for life!

This movie is really designed around the concept of “The kind of messed-up jokes you make to your mates when no one else is around”. You know, all the really wrong stuff that would make someone avoid you for life or get you arrested but you could say to a close mate so you could both laugh at how wrong simply saying such a thing is in the first place. This movie is full of racist stereotypes (jars of sauerkraut going to ‘kill the juice’, falafel that thinks it is going to get 72 virgin olive oils etc), foul language (the c-bomb gets dropped 5 minutes in), drug use (everything from a twinkie getting stonned to a guy shooting up bath crystals on his couch) and just really, really wrong stuff (a used condom talking with fresh semen dripping from its mouth, corn kernels on a human shit moaning like ghosts). The protagonist is a hot dog that has come to question the after-store myths that everyone is lead to believe and the nemesis of the movie is a douche that sticks itself up a clerks arse then uses the clerks scrotum to steer his actions. That’s about it for plot. This is definitely a movie where the writing staff, baked out of their brains no doubt, decided when pitching ideas “Oh yeah, that is soooo f*cked up! Let’s put it in!”

That’s not to say it is a bad movie. I enjoyed it well enough and it appealed to the part of me that used to watch the likes of South Park religiously. I can’t say I ever actually laughed out loud, more had lots of ‘Holy shit!’ moments when something even more disturbing than what happened before came along. And the end scene with every bit of food, no matter its gender or use-by-date, just f*cking the living shit out of every other bit of food was so madly messed up I just sat there with my hands over my mouth going ‘Oh Jesus Christ!’.

I really don’t know whether to recommend this movie or not. But if you want to challenge your own moral code to see just what you can withstand, then it’s a way to kill a couple of hours.

Hobby Farming

How to build a Scarecrow that actually scares crows!

September 5, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

Ah the classic Scarecrow, truly a mainstay of peoples vegetable patches over the years. Scarer of birds and amuser of children. In the Wizard of Oz it was someone desperately in need of a Higher Education degree, in Worzel Gummidge’s case it was an inanimate pile of straw turned sentient being who was constantly trying to get his end away with a store manikin. The Scarecrow is a bit of fun that adds some colour to your vege patch but as most folks know it is generally highly ineffective at actually scaring birds. However today I am going to teach you Big Angry Trev’s secret to building a Scarecrow that actually works! And the good news is, it’s actually easier to make than the classic one!

I'm the slightly skinnier one — *I’m the slightly skinnier one*

You will need the following materials:

One 1.8m x 15cm x 3cm board

One 1.5m x 15cm x 3cm board

One 40cm x 5cm x 3cm board

One 2 meter metal stake

4 wood screws

One potplant pot, bright for preference

One pile of plastic wrapping

One pair of pants with elastic waistband, synthetic and red for preference

One adult males top, synthetic and red for preference

One pair of gloves

One cap, red for preference

Bailing twine

Tools

One drill

One permanent marker

One sledgehammer

Now a lot of these material choices may seem weird to your classic Scarecrow constructor, but I will explain my reasoning for these choices at the end.

Step One:

Pop the 1.5m board through the tops sleeves. So that it sticks out either end evenly. Put the 1.8m board through the top so that at least 40cm of it pokes out the neck hole. Screw the two pieces together.

Step Two:

Put the gloves on, going over the cuffs of the sleeves and ends of the wood. Tie in place with bailing twine.

Step Three:

Strech the pants over the piece of wood, the wood should be long enough that when you stretch the elastic waist band over it that the band snaps back over it and holds it in place. Screw the short piece of word about 2 inches above where the clothing top ends, through the pants at the back which will help hold them up.

Step Four:

Take your pot and draw a face on it (you can go for scary but this really won’t make much difference to the birds and may scare your kids so I go for friendly). Pop a hat on the top. Stick on the top of your Scarecrow and take a bunch of plastic wrapping or old plastic bags and stuff inside to help secure in place.

*To size your pot, simply use the bonce of any passing child as a measuring guide*

The term 'Villawood' should scare away both birds and anyone with a sense of morals — *The term ‘Villawood’ should scare away both birds and anyone with a sense of morals*

Step Five:

Hammer your metal stake in. Tie your scarecrow in at least two different points to the stake using bailing twine.

Ta-da! You have yourself a Scarecrow!

Nothing scares birds more than a fat guy wearing fashions from 2002

Why Big Angry Trev’s Scarecrow is more effective than the classic design

*The Clothing is Polyester instead of Cotton: It will hold moisture less and be more resistant to the elements, therefore less inclined to rot or weigh down you Scarecrow so it falls over due to water logging.

*The head is Plastic: No rot at all compared to a stocking filled with straw

*No Straw – Point 1: Everyone insists that you stuff the body and limbs with straw in order to fatten your scarecrow. No matter what people say, straw will eventually rot. This will cause your scarecrow to literally come apart at the seams quicker.

No Straw – Point 2: By not stuffing your Scarecrow with straw, it means that the clothing will flutter in the wind. This means movement and movement is far more likely to disturb encroaching birds than a completely stationary effigy.

Bright Colours: Some people actually say birds are colour blind. Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact humans are practically colour blind compared to birds, in the same way our sense of smell cannot compare to that of a dogs. Birds have evolved to recognize that the red of certain flowers and fruit is OK, but for the most part they stay away from red because in nature red more often than not means DANGER! Your traditional Scarecrow is made up of browns and yellows natural and non-threatening colours. By making it have a lot of red, it will have a much greater likelyhood of scaring off these feathered fiends from your hand-grown, home grown veggies.

Boards instead of Broomsticks: Who the frag keeps breaking off the ends of their broomsticks so that they have spares just lying around? Who sweeps that hard? By using boards and wood screws rather than broomsticks and twine your Scarecrow will have far better structural integrity.

So will this Scarecrow actually keep birds off your veggies and away from your fruit tree’s? Debatable. I know my chooks give it a wide berth but then they aren’t terrified of it either. If birds are a massive problem then netting or, going to the extreme, a timed scare gun will be more effective. But those options are either loud or expensive or both. Scarecrow’s add a bit of kitchy charm to your veggie patch and they are great fun to build with your kids so considering the relative inexpensiveness and simplicity of their construction they can be forgiven for not inciting mass terror amongst birds. However this Scarecrow has a better fighting chance than most, and I’ve not seen a crow after my silverbeet after popping my rotund fellow up.

Have fun with your Scarecrow Construction!

Random Rants

The joy and dignity of Being Bearded!

September 3, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

Well here we are again, the first Saturday of September. In Australia the first Sunday in September signals Fathers Day, a great day for men who are Dads. But if prodigy you have not, then there is also just as manly a day that comes before – WORLD BEARD DAY! A day where around the world men who have adorned their faces with the bristles of power and the whiskers of righteousness can come together and let their spirits soar!

There is a certain kinship between those of the bearded persuasion. No, I’m not talking about those who grow them because their religion demands it, or because the other members of their particular Bikie club bully them to. I’m talking about your average Joe that truly chooses to – your man on the proverbial street who decides that the smooth of chin is not the way of life for them. The man who decides that for both fashion and practicality he needs A BIG, BUSHY BEARD!

*Can you possibly imagine any form of reality where you would NOT find this sexy?*

When you are of the heavily whiskered variety and you see another of your ilk, a nod of acknowledgement as you go by is all you need. It speaks volumes – it says “I understand you and I approve of your lifestyle choice”. One can even go further with adding a very slight widening of the eyes and an infinitesimal raise of the eyebrow – this says “That beard is damn impressive man”. These are saved for those whose beard is so thick it requires a bi-weekly visit from Jims Gardening to keep it under control, not that any bearded man worth his salty whiskers would dream of getting another man in to do manual labor for him.

And that is another thing the beard tells the world. It says “I have testicles and they are sizable! I can change a tyre, I can cook a steak. I can make sweet love to a woman with such expertise she won’t even notice I’m still belching from the 6-pack & pizza I consumed before climbing aboard!”. You can trust the bearded to dig a trench, build a cabin, stick your dragon in a dungeon; the bearded man is your friend.

I feel great empathy for those who cannot grow a beard. I honestly believe it is the source of most teen violence, for these poor lads have nary a whisker and it causes them such pain they feel the need to break windows and rob old ladies of their pension money. I think it is also why so many women experience mood swings when menstruating – “I can’t grow a beard AND I’m bleeding from my genitalia?! What kind of sick god would do this?!” – I’d be pretty mad at the world too.

If you are a man who is capable of growing a beard and chosen not to, I would heavily rethink your decision. The beard is invaluable; it keeps your face warm in winter, it catches crumbs of food to keep you sated when hungry – why do you think the cavemen all had beards, because the triple blade hadn’t been invented yet? No – their beards kept them warm and fed and thus alive. Like having a mother made of follicles stuck to your face. Indeed without beards the human race would not been able to survive and thus evolve and we all wouldn’t be here today.

So on World Beard Day celebrate your beard! And if you are of the non-bearded variety go up to a bearded man and give him a couple of bucks and a corn-beef sandwich and say “Thank you. Thank you oh bearded one for keeping society alive!” He will modestly accept your acclaim, you money… then eat your sandwich.

Happy World Beard Day my hirsute brethren!

The Official World Beard Day website can be found HERE

For a Great Aussie Band try THE BEARDS.

Meaty Goodness!, Random Rants

The NEWEST most evil animal in the world!

August 25, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

For years I have believed, quite rightly, that Octopus were truly the most evil of all animals (for details on why I believed this the case please see my blog post HERE). However I have to be man enough to admit when I am wrong, when I have made a mistake. Because I have discovered an animal that is even MORE evil that Octopus, a creature that causes such pain and misery that it’s eradication is well overdue.

This evil creature is the Australian Paralysis Tick.

Who knew the ultimate evil would be so small? I always thought it would look like my ex-wife - though there is a certain resemblance with the hair legs and pincer-like mouth — *Who knew the ultimate evil would be so small? I always thought it would look like my ex-wife – though there is a certain resemblance with the hairy legs and bulbous arse*

What this tick does is truly abominable, truly evil, truly horrendous. This little bastard will bite some animal like a bandicoot or something and take something called alpha-gel from the animal away with it. Then when this gelled-up tick see’s you it leapfrogs on like the mini-assassin it is. It crawls inside your clothing and bites you to suck your blood, little vampire fragger, and deposits some of the gel. Now this can cause things like rashes or even an anaphylactic reaction. But there is something it’s bite does that goes waaaay beyond that.

It’s bite… wait for this… it’s bite can make you ALLERGIC TO RED MEAT!

Let me say it again so the full horror of this can sink in…

IT’S. BITE. CAN. MAKE. YOU. ALLERGIC. TO. RED. MEAT!

Have you ever heard of anything so frighteningly horrible in all your days?! You can’t eat red meat anymore! You can never in your life have a steak again – ever! No pork, beef or lamb for you for the rest of your now miserable days!

I don’t believe in suicide personally, but f*ck me! If ever something was going to make me put a bullet through my own brainpan it would be that!

There are three true joys of life: Family, Transformers and Meat. Those are the top three without question, undebatable. Beer & Hobby Farming come a close 4^th and 5^th but those are the three that truly make life special, bring joy to your soul, let you know that the world is a wondrous place (yeah sex is good too and probably up there when you are young, but when you have a family it’s just a nice treat for those ultra-rare times when the kids are asleep and you are both not exhausted).

Anyway, imagine yourself sitting outside on a sunny spring day, having lunch with your family on your little farm, watching the bee’s and butterflies flying from tree to tree pollinating your fruit crop. Birdsong in the air. Your son is playing with his Stunticons at the table while you have your latest Protectobot sitting inside awaiting your attention. You have a beer in one hand and sitting in front of you is…. a salad.

What is wrong with this picture?

Hmmmm. Family – tick. Transformers – tick. Hobby Farm – tick. Beer – tick. Meat…..

…. where the f*ck is the f*cking meat?! No good tick there because some bad tick decided to f*cking bite you!

Now I don’t mind veggies, hell I grow a lot of’em. But they are the secondary food source, they are there to add a little colour to your meal which by all rights should have a steak so big it’s overlapping the edges of the plate. To take that away from someone, to deny someone that true pleasure for the rest of their lives….. I’m getting all teary just thinking about those poor souls it has happened to. Yes you can technically still eat chicken and fish – but for every damn meal? Forever?! And fish is a honorary meat at best, ranked alongside cheese and potatoes.

So that’s what this bastard of a creature does – truly the total prick of the animal world! Apparently this tick lives on the east coast of Australia, spread out from Lakes Entrance in Victoria up to Cooktown in far north Queensland. Or as I refer to it “The area of Australia I will now never, ever visit again!”

Where is the government on this? It’s been recently announced that the AIDS epidemic in Australia is now officially over, the sector that has monitored it said that the statistics of AIDS in Australia are now so low that they are not really quantifiable. So if an awful disease that stopped people enjoying sex is at an end, how about we channel all that funding into combating this latest horrific threat that stops people enjoying red meat!

*They might be a thousand miles from here but not taking any damn chances!*

Where are the guys is Hazmat Suits, with giant magnifying glasses and flamethrowers stalking through every tick ravaged area, destroying these filthy little mongrels? Why has the entire eastern coast of Australia not been evacuated so that giant airships full of tick-killing spray can strafe the areas for weeks, killing each and every single one! Hell, maybe we could get giant earth digging equipment and cut off the entire eastern edge of Australia and shove it out to sea where we could safely bomb it into oblivion.

Seems a bit extreme I know, but I’d rather let loose a bunch of nukes than never eat a porterhouse again. I can take living on the continent that has the most poisonous spiders and snakes, has the biggest crocs and sharks, but there is only so much a man can stand.

F*ck you Australian Paralysis Tick, you dirty f*cking evil little prick tick bastard you!

Ask Trev!, Random Rants

Ask Trev – “What am I thinking?”

August 23, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

This question comes from Lucielle, all the way over in Gauteng in South Africa “What am I thinking?”

Well, my educated guess would be “Holy crap! I asked this question 4 months ago as a joke – he is actually answering this?!” And I bet I am not far off the mark 😉

But the truthful answer is that I don’t know because I am not a mind reader.

Do you know why I am not a mind-reader? Because mind-readers, psychics, soothsayers, precognitives, astrologists, fortune tellers, tarot card and palm readers and all of their ilk are FULL OF F*CKING SHIT!

No-one can read your mind – NO ONE! This is NOT a debate people, they can’t do it! And anyone who says they can are either self-deluded or a con artist or most likely both! After a while people begin to believe their own bullshit.

I won’t go into how these people trick you in to thinking that they are psychic or can read your mind or the future – that has been well documented. Everything from your age, sex, expression, tone of voice to even the state of your home tells them a wealth about you and after years of experience these people are very good at it. They know what you want to hear, they know what you will believe, and they will tell you exactly that. They are TRICKING YOU, they are CONNING you, they WANT YOUR MONEY!

And what tells them more about a person than anything else is usually that the person was gullible enough to fork out their money to them in the first place.

I don’t mean to criticize people who believe this stuff – oh wait, I do. And I do it because I care so with all tact may I say – WAKE UP! It’s 2016 – how many times do people need to prove to you that this stuff is bullshit before you catch on? Why believe the loonies but not the educated folk? It’s along the same lines as people who believe that immunizations cause Autism – they will happily believe a doctor who was so off the mark he got stripped of his medical licence and became a joke in his field, but not the reputable doctors, scientists and warehouses full of information that prove beyond doubt that Autism has nothing to do with immunizations! And it’s their kids that suffer. And if parents are spending money on these psychic cranks instead of food and shelter for their kids then I’m guessing they are suffering too.

I think the perfect example of how all this is crap is that they now have televised psychic hotlines. Dear Primus – have you seen the women manning these phones? None of them look psychic to me, they all look like they dropped out of high school, bought really bad jumpers at a thrift store and then found jobs where they could sit on their ever-expanding arses and just talk bullshit into a phone, all whilst charging some poor sucker a minimum $5 a minute! (By the way, for those people that ring phone sex lines, I’m guessing that my description above applies there too, not a lot of super-models are doing that job). What are the people ringing these lines thinking? I mean – they can SEE who they are talking to! I wouldn’t trust these low-rent bitches to advise me on how to boil an egg, let alone how to live my life!

And now there are ‘Pet Psychics’ – people who will tell you what your goldfish is thinking. I mean – f*ck! Are we really still this stupid as a society?!?

All of this points to the fact that perhaps stupid people breed too much and that we need to enforce laws where bullshit is outlawed. They should have a special crimes division – the ‘AMPED’ Crimes Unit where they bust charlatans for ‘ACTIVELY MAKING PEOPLE EVEN DUMBER’. They should be able to bust down doors and say “Nope – what you are doing is a load of wank and if you don’t knock it off we are putting a f*cking bullet in your skull!” Also perhaps mandatory sterilizing of any of their customers who, after being shown evidence to the contrary refuse to stop believe in this stuff, is a good idea. We are facing a resources crisis this century people – in 50 years there won’t be enough fresh water to support the planets population. How about we stop the people that refuse to stop believing in psychics breeding and shoot the unconscionable f*ckers that prey on their gullibility and stupidity? At the rate society is going, I reckon that at a conservative estimate this would probably equal at least 1 in 10. Knock all them off and the planet might just survive being infested with this scourge called humanity after all.

Lets put it in the next census and make it not confidential – “Do you believe in psychics and will never change your mind?” If you tick ‘yes’ then the next day a van comes around with two big burly doctors saying ‘Sorry, you’ve lost the rights to your reproductive organs because chances are you will have a kid with someone just a stupid as you and your kids will end up even dumber yet again. We need all the water and oxygen for the non-morons’. And it would work because anyone stupid enough to believe in mind-readers after having it explained why it is false would be stupid enough to tick ‘yes’ on the form, even knowing the consequences.

I know I am coming across harsh here. The majority of the people that read this blog most likely don’t believe in psychics and palm reading and all the rest, but there may be some that do. Believe it or not I am on your side. Because I want you to stop believing in things that aren’t true. I want you to see through the veil of bullshit. I want to meet up with you in a bar and be able to say “You stopped letting these liars and moral leeches sucker you in and steal your money, let me buy you a beer!” I’m begging you to respect yourself and please – don’t believe any of it! Just don’t. Be smart, be smarter than the bullshit artists. And bust your friends when they are dumb enough to fall for one of these fraudsters cons – you will be doing them a favor. There is a difference between allowing people their beliefs and allowing people to believe complete and utter false crap pedaled by people with no conscience whatsoever. If you believe in all this stuff and think I have just been really mean to you, I can guarantee you I am not being as mean as they are because they are lying to you and taking your money on purpose – I’m just trying to give you a mental slap in the face so you can not be taken advantage of any more. I’m showing you respect by believing you can change – they are disrespecting on so many levels its not funny. There is so much cool stuff to believe in in this magnificently huge, spectacular universe – you don’t need to believe in total crap like tarot cards, again – respect yourself!

Hmmmmm, and now my super-senses are telling me that Lucielle is thinking “Holy shit, Trev needs to calm down, I was just joking!”

Question answered Lucielle my friend 🙂

Transformatorium, Transformer Toy Reviews

Toy Review – Titans Return Soundwave

August 22, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

Operation: Soundwave Review

Perhaps even surpassing Megatron, Soundwave is along with Optimus Prime the most recognizable and remembered characters and toys from the 1980’s – even non-TF fans remember Soundwave with a fondess – there was something just so cool about him! A tape deck that ejected micro-cassettes that turned into animals and robots and was a bad guy had massive appeal. And here we see Soundwave recreated yet again, this time for the first time as a Headmaster with Titans Return Soundwave.

Robot Mode

It’s lucky that both Blaster and Soundwave are boxy characters, so with a simple palette swap, a new head and a shoulder cannon this does looks like Soundwave rather than a recoloured Blaster (which he is after all). The proportions are ok though I would have liked to see more articulation. Nothing beats a Soundwave that can actually bend his arm upwards and press his eject button (aka MP SW). His gun is from Blaster and for those in the know it looks nothing like Soundwaves regular firearm which is a bit disappointing, but I suppose even Transformers are allowed to change their armament every few million years.

Tape Deck Mode

The smartest thing they did here was to change the way the speakers look. It now looks like a tape deck from the early nineties rather than a proper Ghetto Blaster (all you kids born this century, you might have to do some research here to know what I am talking about). The mode looks better than I thought it would; it looks sleek and somber, just a shame there is the odd little gap here and there.

Base Mode

This mode suits Soundwave far more than Blaster (who I still maintain should have turned into a DJ booth with dance floor. For a review of TR Blaster – see HERE). The darker colour scheme works for the mode as well as the extra cannon. Overall better than I expected.

Soundblaster

For those that didn’t follow the JP G1 cartoon, Soundwave and Blaster killed each other but got rebuilt by their respective leaders, Soundwave turning into Soundblaster (the only difference with the toy besides a darker colour scheme was it could hold 2 cassettes). Soundblaster has been brought back here but this time as Soundwaves head. The funny thing is that they redid the face on his back to look like Soundwave, as well as his little head, but the legs are still those of Twin Cast (Blasters Headmaster partner) with the speakers on the front. Since it would not have affected the face, they should have made his front much darker to represent Soundblaster more.

Transformation

No change from Blaster. If you haven’t converted Blaster know that this figure isn’t difficult for a leader class figure. There is no real challenge here, however transforming him for the first time you have to engage your brain to turn him in to what is a reasonably two dimensional alt-mode as the Tape Deck. Conversion to base mode is very straight forward.

Overall

Soundwave is one of two figures which can be said to be a crossover between Combiner Wars and Titans Return, given that CW Buzzsaw can be put into TR Soundwave in both Robot and Tape Deck modes. Interestingly in the instructions it only mentions him being compatible with the upcoming Laserbeak and Ravage, most likely as these toys are to be released soon (bet Hasbro is just thrilled with IDW for having killed Ravage 6 weeks ago in MTMTE #55). The fact you can insert these smaller figures into him along with the Headmaster gimmick and he is a triple changer means there is a lot of playability with this figure. While certainly not the ultimate Soundwave toy, on the whole this one is pretty good and it’s nice to see Soundwave once again as a musical device rather than a van or truck.

Got your own thoughts on Titans Return Soundwave? Would love to hear them in the comments section below!

Transformer Toy Reviews

Toys Review – The Mayhem Attack Squad

August 12, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

The Mayhem Attack Squad, a group of psychotic Decepticons grouped together to follow their leaders evil whims in the old G1 comic (and to give a reason to put new toys coming out into print). Now decades later we see the group revitalized by the latest Transformers Collectors Club subscription service toys and with a new gimmick – they combine! Lets have a look at this pack of alien-mechanoid rouges as well as their combined form – THUNDER MAYHEM!

Grabuge
Nicely proportioned, nice colours and they didn’t even need to bother with a new headsculpt since Off-Road was originally going to be Ruckus. I think the axe is a good choice for Ruckus – sorry – Grabuge. You can sorta balance his cannon in his backpack as a reminder of his Triggercon heritage but it doesn’t really work.

Windsweeper

The wings can fold back but I prefer to leave them out, the silver on the wing missiles really pop and also this configuration makes the figure look a bit more G1-Windsweeper-ish. The head is really good on him and the colours overall work quite well.

Spinister
The head is a little squarish and the optics a tad big but otherwise pretty good. Nothing new otherwise physically with the mold. Certainly a lot less stocky than G1 Spinister and the colour scheme is dead on. The two targetmaster partners work well both as guns or as sidekicks.

Needlenose

A very nicely proportioned robot and while they got the face just right I would have liked to see more work on his helmet. The colours are pretty good and his Targemaster partners sit snugly in his grip as well as looking good as little sidekicks. I’d say this is probably the best Needlenose figure we have ever had so kudos to Funpub for coming through.

Bludgeon

By far his strongest mode. Bludgeon is a character that is strongly associated with his Pretender Shell and it’s not been often he has been depicted just as the robot beneath (the G2 and DW comics do spring to mind however). I found this to be a most excellent representation of how Bludgeon would look without his shell if he just concentrated on beefing up his robot mode. The proportions are really good, the colour scheme works a lot better and they did the headsculpt very well. Add in a couple of giant swords and the robot mode is a real winner overall! However it is really hard to beat ROTF Bludgeon for a look that encapsulates both the inner robot and outer shell look combined.

Grabuge – Off-Road Truck

A shame that Beachcomber did not crop up in Combiner Wars as it would have nice to see Ruckus – sorry – Grabuge – done as a Dune Buggy rather than a ute, however it’s still a good choice for the character. The colour scheme is nice, though they have what were relatively small stickers on the original Ruckus into a major part of the colour scheme of the back of the ute here. Still, the paintjobt is pretty good considering that many the G1 Decepticons from 87 onwards had pretty awful colour schemes and the original Ruckus is part of that era. Attaching the cannons in the tray of the ute somewhat gives a shout out to his Triggercon origins.

Windsweeper – Attack Jet
A shame there wasn’t a deluxe CW mold that was a bit more like his G1 incarnation, they would have had to go with Silverbolt to get something more indicativie. But it’s a pretty cool looking jet and the colour scheme not only is fairly character accurate but makes the colours work a bit better than the original toy did.

Spinister – Attack Chopper
I’m not a great fan of how slim this mold is, it didn’t quite work for me as Blades and Vortex and I get the same feeling with Spinister. Still, they got that garish 1988 colour scheme just right! One thing – do NOT try to put the Targetmaster partners into the little black exhaust hubs on the sides of Spinisters vehicle mode. I tried and not only are they that mill too thick but trying to push them in will wear the black paint off very easily and show the pink underneath. You have to attach them via turning his arms around so the fist is up which puts his missiles in an awkward position.

Needlenose – Fighter Jet

They really did a nice job of homaging the original figure here and I really like that unlike Spinister you can connect his Targetmaster partners under the wings. They have done their best with the G1 colour scheme they had to use and made it look a lot more stylish than it used to. As ever the letdown is those damn arms sitting out at the sides of the jet, I wish they had fixed that.

Bludgeon – Anti-Aircraft Truck

Whilst not a tank which most Bludgeons over the years have turned into, this feels like a tank on steroids that mutated into a anti-aircraft truck. Whilst the green is a bit strong and garish, the browns help even the colour out somewhat, though then you deal with the two purple cannons on top. It’s pretty cool overall but there is one significant drawback – the dome of Thunder Mayhems head is very noticeable sticking out of the top. Really looks like he is about to pop up at any moment like a freaky jack-in-the-box.

Thunder Mayhem

Thunder Mayhem is made up of the 5 members of the Mayhem Attack Squad. The reasoning behind the combined mode is that Thunderwing, not Bludgeon, was the leader of the Mayhem Attack Squad so their combined mode becomes an homage to him. The Thunderwing head is very good, perhaps with more expression than any of the Gestalts from both the CW and UW lines – got a real psychotic sneer to him!

The colour scheme however is a real hodge-podge. It’s pretty unavoidable considering the different characters that make up this Combiner but when compared to the likes of Superion, Defensor and Devastator you see why having team-mates with similar colour schemes is a good move for Combiner groups to have. Bright greens, dull reds, purples, yellows, greys, blues etc etc – it looks like Primus swallowed a kids paint palette then threw up on the poor guy. But he is supposed to be a monstrosity powered by a corrupted matrix so monster-wise it works.

The dimensions are like all the other recent combiners, the legs are a bit stubby and the feet too small whilst the arms are almost orangutan like in their length. But Thunder Mayhem in the end is no worse for wear than any of the others and considering he is made up of 2 jets, a helicopter, a ute and an anti-aircraft truck you can forgive these imperfections.

Weapons-wise Bludgeons twin-swords match his stature quite well and of course you can take the cannons off the back for him to use as pistols. It’s a shame there is no clear place for the four Targemaster partners to go – plenty of places to connect them but none really seem to fit and they look ludicrously small in his hands.

So overall a freaky-yet-fun Gestalt and a pretty cool combiner group. For the most part I will be keeping the Mayhem Attack Squad separate so I can finally have the likes of Windsweeper and Ruckus sitting in my Generations Display.

Big Angry Trev!

Yearly Archives: 2016