world Archives - Big Angry Trev!

For years I have believed, quite rightly, that Octopus were truly the most evil of all animals (for details on why I believed this the case please see my blog post HERE). However I have to be man enough to admit when I am wrong, when I have made a mistake. Because I have discovered an animal that is even MORE evil that Octopus, a creature that causes such pain and misery that it’s eradication is well overdue.

This evil creature is the Australian Paralysis Tick.

Who knew the ultimate evil would be so small? I always thought it would look like my ex-wife - though there is a certain resemblance with the hair legs and pincer-like mouth — *Who knew the ultimate evil would be so small? I always thought it would look like my ex-wife – though there is a certain resemblance with the hairy legs and bulbous arse*

What this tick does is truly abominable, truly evil, truly horrendous. This little bastard will bite some animal like a bandicoot or something and take something called alpha-gel from the animal away with it. Then when this gelled-up tick see’s you it leapfrogs on like the mini-assassin it is. It crawls inside your clothing and bites you to suck your blood, little vampire fragger, and deposits some of the gel. Now this can cause things like rashes or even an anaphylactic reaction. But there is something it’s bite does that goes waaaay beyond that.

It’s bite… wait for this… it’s bite can make you ALLERGIC TO RED MEAT!

Let me say it again so the full horror of this can sink in…

IT’S. BITE. CAN. MAKE. YOU. ALLERGIC. TO. RED. MEAT!

Have you ever heard of anything so frighteningly horrible in all your days?! You can’t eat red meat anymore! You can never in your life have a steak again – ever! No pork, beef or lamb for you for the rest of your now miserable days!

I don’t believe in suicide personally, but f*ck me! If ever something was going to make me put a bullet through my own brainpan it would be that!

There are three true joys of life: Family, Transformers and Meat. Those are the top three without question, undebatable. Beer & Hobby Farming come a close 4^th and 5^th but those are the three that truly make life special, bring joy to your soul, let you know that the world is a wondrous place (yeah sex is good too and probably up there when you are young, but when you have a family it’s just a nice treat for those ultra-rare times when the kids are asleep and you are both not exhausted).

Anyway, imagine yourself sitting outside on a sunny spring day, having lunch with your family on your little farm, watching the bee’s and butterflies flying from tree to tree pollinating your fruit crop. Birdsong in the air. Your son is playing with his Stunticons at the table while you have your latest Protectobot sitting inside awaiting your attention. You have a beer in one hand and sitting in front of you is…. a salad.

What is wrong with this picture?

Hmmmm. Family – tick. Transformers – tick. Hobby Farm – tick. Beer – tick. Meat…..

…. where the f*ck is the f*cking meat?! No good tick there because some bad tick decided to f*cking bite you!

Now I don’t mind veggies, hell I grow a lot of’em. But they are the secondary food source, they are there to add a little colour to your meal which by all rights should have a steak so big it’s overlapping the edges of the plate. To take that away from someone, to deny someone that true pleasure for the rest of their lives….. I’m getting all teary just thinking about those poor souls it has happened to. Yes you can technically still eat chicken and fish – but for every damn meal? Forever?! And fish is a honorary meat at best, ranked alongside cheese and potatoes.

So that’s what this bastard of a creature does – truly the total prick of the animal world! Apparently this tick lives on the east coast of Australia, spread out from Lakes Entrance in Victoria up to Cooktown in far north Queensland. Or as I refer to it “The area of Australia I will now never, ever visit again!”

Where is the government on this? It’s been recently announced that the AIDS epidemic in Australia is now officially over, the sector that has monitored it said that the statistics of AIDS in Australia are now so low that they are not really quantifiable. So if an awful disease that stopped people enjoying sex is at an end, how about we channel all that funding into combating this latest horrific threat that stops people enjoying red meat!

*They might be a thousand miles from here but not taking any damn chances!*

Where are the guys is Hazmat Suits, with giant magnifying glasses and flamethrowers stalking through every tick ravaged area, destroying these filthy little mongrels? Why has the entire eastern coast of Australia not been evacuated so that giant airships full of tick-killing spray can strafe the areas for weeks, killing each and every single one! Hell, maybe we could get giant earth digging equipment and cut off the entire eastern edge of Australia and shove it out to sea where we could safely bomb it into oblivion.

Seems a bit extreme I know, but I’d rather let loose a bunch of nukes than never eat a porterhouse again. I can take living on the continent that has the most poisonous spiders and snakes, has the biggest crocs and sharks, but there is only so much a man can stand.

F*ck you Australian Paralysis Tick, you dirty f*cking evil little prick tick bastard you!

Ask Trev! The section where I answer the problems that perplex the people. This question comes to me from Maureen in Murrawee:

Maureen writes “Dear Big Angry Trev, can you tell me which is the most evil animal in the world?“

Well Maureen, the cliché answer to that is man. However this answer is wrong, dead wrong. Animals in themselves aren’t inherently good’ or ‘inherently evil’ in the way humans understand these abstract concepts, they just ‘are’. That is, bar one…

No ladies and gentlemen I am not talking about man-eating sharks, I am not talking about man-eating lions. I’m not even talking about mosquitoes (even though they would win for being both the most deadly and the most annoying). The most evil animal on the planet is…. the OCTOPUS!

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That’s right! Evil, slimy, 8-legged a-holes spawned from the fiery pits of Satan’s backside! Gross, disgusting, big eyed bastards with a bag of guts for a head and a penchant for ripping the masks off divers so they can use their beak-like jaws to gnaw on the flesh beneath! I’m surprised The Wiggles let one hang out with them – sends a really bad message to children about who to trust.

Here are a few facts about your Octopus:

*Those aren’t suction cups! Each one of those little round protuberances that looks like the bottom of an albino plunger actually sticks to you because it is full of hundreds to curved barbs! The barbs don’t go straight in no, they go into the flesh then curve off so if you manage to pull one off your arm it’s gonna take a hunk of flesh with it!

*They change colour! That’s a creature waiting to ambush you if ever I’ve heard of one! Not content to engage in open and honorable fisticuffs (which you think it would do considering it’s multiple arms) it will blend into the background or even worse, the ocean floor and then when you stand near it WHAM! You are dealing with a near invisible assassin taking your foot off at the ankle!

*They are venomous – every single type – and at least one breed is capable of killing a human! And those beak-jaws I mentioned? Full of venomous saliva! Let me repeat that – VENOMOUS SALIVA! I don’t care what definition you go by – that’s freakin evil!

*They squirt black ink into your face that not only obscures your vision but dulls your sense of smell, so you can’t see or smell them as they come in for the kill.

*3 hearts. Not one like a law-abiding creature, not two like a Time Lord, but three! That means if you meet a vampire octopus you better have at least 3 stakes handy and be adept at fighting undead cephalopods in an underwater battle scenario.

If that isn’t enough evidence for you Marueen, let me share a story with you that is both true and well documented.

In a science lab there were two big aquariums, one on either side of the room. One was full of crabs, the other contained an octopus. The crabs were being bred in the tank as a source of food for the scientists to feed the octopus and such were their numbers and environment that they could do so quite happily and readily.

Now it got to the point that each morning the scientists were coming in and finding that there were always several less crabs then there should have been and scraps of crab carapace were in the tank. They could not figure out what was happening as this was a daily occurrence. So they set up a night vision camera before they closed up the lab that evening and left.

What they saw captured on film will fill you horror and dismay!

The octopus, not content with the sacrifices being fed to it each day had hatched a plan. Every day it sat there, eyeing its prey across the room with evil and malicious intent. As soon as the lights went out of an evening the octopus would use its four pairs of arms to pull itself up out of its tank, slither across the floor, climb the table, get into the crabs tank and then kill and devour many of their number, not even the children were safe!

The ultra sneaky bit was it didn’t stay there! After sating its voracious appetite it would then climb back out, slither back across the room and back into its own tank. That way in the morning when the scientists came in it could just sit there, shrug it’s 8 shoulders and put on a ‘Nothing to do with me’ expression.

Imagine the life of these poor crabs! Sitting there in their tank while this bastard eyed them off all day, knowing that when night fell it would be upon them to kill and maim and devour! You think you have stress ulcers? You have nothing on what these poor crabs were going through!

And that Marueen, is why Octopus are the most evil of animals. Thank you for your question.

Big Angry Trev!

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