With the Coalition losing the 2022 Australian federal election in a landslide, it is no wonder that the Liberal Party is in major damage control. In fact the chaos at their main headquarters is such that one of our ace reporters – Pastor Fazool – was able to sneak in and write a transcript of a secret meeting that has taken place in the last 24 hours:
“So, they think we ‘lost the election’, eh? We’ll see about that! Cormann, summon my Death Squads!“
“Mr Cormann’s gone, Mr Dutton, sir. We sent him off to be Secretary General of the OECD. It was enormously expensive.”
“What?!”
“I’m shredding the documents now sir, in case of that ICAC, sir.”
“Fine! Porter, YOU are Second-in-Command now! Bring me my Death Squads!”
“Mr Porter’s gone too sir. I’m shredding all those documents as well.”
“Untenable! Bring me Frydenberg then, he’s a weak-wristed wimp but he’ll have to do!”
“He’s gone too sir. Angus Taylor’s office is shredding HIS documents, they were quite insistent that they be the ones to do it. Mr Taylor is shredding the ones from when Mr Frydenberg was Environment Minister personally sir…”
“Hisssss! Fool, what have I told you about using the ‘E’ word?! You know it burns!”
“Sorry sir.”
“Fine, Tudge then!”
“No-one can find him sir. The only time anyone’s seen him over the past 6 months has been when he did some Chinese radio interview. We think he may have been kidnapped, possibly defected, sir.”
“How about that Deves woman? She may only have been a mere female but she had a certain style, I was thinking of having her run the Puppy Smelter…”
“She didn’t get in, sir.”
“Curses! Well, who IS left, then? Not Scotty obviously, I never trusted that lying hypocrite. Complete psycho, horrible horrible man – he never laughed at any of my jokes!”
“No, sir. Yes, sir. Simon Birmingham’s still here sir.”
“That chinless freak! NEVER! Who else?”
“Ross Vasta?”
“…who?”
“Quite, sir. Bridget Archer has expressed interest in helping out…”
“I’m warning you you poncing public service peon, if you dare mock me again…!”
“Sorry sir. Well, there’s always…no, I’m sorry sir, forget I said anything…”
“Out with it, fool!”
“There’s…there’s Stuart Robert, sir.”
“…”
“I’m sorry sir, we lost a LOT of seats…”
“Fuck it, I’ll lead the attack myself. Slave, summon my Death Squads, we march on Kirribilli House at once!”
“Um, sir, you don’t HAVE any Death Squads anymore. We lost Government sir, we’d have to pay for our OWN Death Squads now and we’ve had Mr Frydenberg in charge of our finances for the past four years, with Mr Cormann doing the accounts before that. We’re broke, sir, worse than broke. I asked Malcolm Turnbull if he could spot us a few million dollars again but he just laughed at me. A lot. Then he hung up, sir.”
-angry potato noises-
Thank you Pastor for that behind the scenes look at Liberal HQ.