Movie Review – Captain America: Civil War

May 4, 2016 Big Angry Trev 1 Comment

Civil

Superheroes beating the crap out of other Superheroes – does that float ya boat? No? You don’t even own a boat yet alone have an interest in anything nautical? In that case don’t go and see Captain America: Civil War. However if that sounds like a hoot and a half and gives your box a big warm tick then this movie is for you.

Warning: Spoilers Ahead! This is a review after all.

I have seen nearly every Marvel movie they have made except two – Antman and Captain America: Winter Soldier. And it turns out that CA2 is one of the few movies you probably would do better to see before you see this flick. However I was able to pick up the basics of what had happened – Cap’s best buddy Bucky got turned at some point into a brainwashed super soldier with a metal arm and he’s a good guy that goes into trances and does bad things – nuff said.

First Half Hour – Plot Devices

The movie starts off with the obligatory action scene which ends with the Scarlet Witch accidentally blowing up a bunch of civilians in order to save Captain America. In the comics that came out several years ago along the same theme there was the ‘Hero Registration Program’ which caused all the heroes to choose sides with all the registered ones hunting down those that refused to register. In this film it’s done on a smaller scale, simply focusing on the Avengers – because they keep causing collateral damage and accidentally killing innocent folk the United Nations want them on a leash. Iron Man agrees, Captain America doesn’t. That’s the first half hour in a nutshell. Drags a tiny but but not too much.

Next Hour – Character Development

The next hour of the film is essentially reminding us of old characters such as Vision and Hawkeye and introducing new characters like Spiderman and T’Challa. Chuck in a few decent action scenes and a bunch of CA and IM having restrained arguments and it boils down to set up for the last hour where it really begins to kick off. Again, there is the tiny drag here and there as they set up plot points you know already are going to happen but the pace never becomes too dull.

Oh, have I not mentioned the bad guy yet? That’s because he’d pretty uninteresting though quite believable. No Superpowers or anything, just hates the Avengers because his family were some of the aforementioned ‘collateral damage’ (the A team never even sent a “sorry” car which is pretty cold!), he is only in this film to set up plot points to make the Heroes fight each other. In fact that’s his intent so he sets it up that it looks like Bucky was responsible for a bomb that went off that killed T’Challa’s Dad. This causes the rift in the Avengers to widen, with Cap trying to save Bucky and getting a bunch of the team on side, while Iron Man vows to hunt them all down and gets the rest of the team on side as well as recruiting Black Panther and a pubescent Webslinger.

The Big Fight!

At the hour and a half mark you get what you call came to see – 6 Avengers on either side beating the crap out of each other! On one side Iron Man, War Machine, Vision, Black Widow, Black Panther and Spiderman. Opposed are Captain America, Winter Soldier, Hawkeye, Ant Man, Scarlet Witch and Falcon. This is a pretty damn good beat down! In fact I’d go as far as to say it’s the best Hero vs Hero action sequence I’ve ever seen in a movie with everyone using their powers to fight or counteract multiple members of the opposition. The fight goes for 10-15 minutes and at no point does it tire or become gratuitous. Very well done indeed!

And the end is in sight…

Final 45 minutes? Cap and the WS go off to fight the real bad guy. Iron Man follows along to help having a change of heart. The end is rather good, instead of the fight with the other super soldiers one was expecting all the bad guy does is show a film of Bucky killing Tony Starks parents which, understandably makes Tony a mite cross. In fact one might say he is freakin pissed! Cue final fight scene, everyone lives, everyone doesn’t like each other anymore and it’s goodnight nurse. Predictable but entertaining.

Overall thoughts

So is this movie worth a watch? Well I usually find most movies that go over two hours to be that bit too long with too much filler but this flick moves at a fairly good pace. No poor acting to speak of, although I doubt anyone is going to win an Oscar with their performance here. I particularly liked Ant Man, the actor made me want to see that movie. Scarlet Johansson is showing her age a bit too much be the obligatory sex symbol she was in the first Avengers movie so instead of gratuitous butt shots of her like in that flick, they have tried to make up with it by making Elizabeth Olsen’s top that bit extra low cut. Not a lot of eye candy for the ladies with Thor being absent from the roster but Cap is still a nice looking fella. The fight scene is great and the heavy drama of the last leg of the movie works on several levels. I’ve not seen Batman vs Superman as every person I’ve spoken to that has seen it has had very negatives reviews of it, so if you are after a Super Hero Beatdown than CA: CW is the movie to see!

Transformatorium, Transformer Toy Reviews

Toy Review – Masterpiece Shockwave

May 2, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

Ah Shockwave, the guy that many adults – who liked TF’s but weren’t nuts about it – could never remember the name of because it sounded too much like ‘Soundwave’. To the true TF nut, he was a big purple fragger who psychologically was a mixture of Spock from Star Trek and Brute from Shakespeare – he will stab you in the back if he thinks it’s logical to do so. Or since he turns into a giant space laser, he will just blow you up and whatever planet you happen to be standing on at the time.

Series – Masterpiece
New/remould/redeco – new
Wave – MP-29
Approximate Retail Price – 16800 yen
Approximate Size – 25cm
Allegiance – Decepticon
Alt-mode – Laser Vulcan
Main Features/Gimmicks – Light up guns
Main Colours – Purple, grey/lilac
Main Accessories – Mini Shockwave, backpack/stand, opaque fist & salute hand, clear plastic fist, salute and gun hand

Giant Space Laser Gun Mode

Wow – it’s really long! That took me somewhat by surprise but considering I have the G1 Shockwave toy and have seen every screen appearance Shockers ever made about a hundred times I should have expected it. I think this figure is beating out my G1 Shockwave and G1 Sixshot for the biggest Transformer Gun in my collection (no I’m not counting movie ones that just went from vehicle to hollow blaster you put your hand in).

Length aside, he has girth too. Very solid feeling though because of the relatively light plastic he is not all that heavy. Also the barrel is that nice wide hexagon shape that seems peculiar to Shockwave’s weapon mode. So between length, girth and width Shockwave feels very secure in himself in weapon mode and along with the lovely lilac colour it makes him a perfect Masterpiece present for the ladies. His dimensions certainly makes a lot of the Targetmasters feel inadequate about themselves at any rate.

Robot Mode

We have had quite a few nice Shockwave toys over the years, even those that were not brilliant in alt-mode tended to have some good looking robot modes. This is a great looking Shockwave and much like MP Ratchet whom I opened the other day the most faithful representation of the G1 cartoon character we have had. Everything is there from the see-thru chest, the laser barrel on the left arm, the power conduit going from that arm to his back, the ears/antenna, the cyclopean eye – everything is just right. You would be hard pressed to find fault with him, especially with the myriad of different hand attachments he comes with, the light up features and even the mini-version of himself he used in one episode. Add to all this the spot-on colour scheme, proportions and poseability and he is a winner!

Transformation

One of the most straight forward Masterpieces I have tackled in a long time. One could argue that he turns into a gun with arms as the barrel and legs as the grip so he should be straight forward but Megatron could be said to be similar and transforming that MP was a nightmare! You can do this guy easily without the instructions. Easy, but not annoyingly so, you will be getting your money’s worth.

Overall

Well we finally have the all the big time commanders from Season 1 & 2 – Shockwave, Soundwave, Starscream and Megatron in Masterpiece form so there is plenty of battle scenes awaiting you collectors to have fun with! Given the relatively cheap materials Shockwave is made from I think that the price he goes for is a tad exorbitant but I have zero buyers regret. You want a great version of that one-eyed, one-handed, logical-to-a-fault Military Operations Commander? Well you got it!

Space Cop

Transformer Toy Reviews

Toy Review – Masterpiece Ratchet

April 27, 2016 Big Angry Trev 2 Comments

Most of you young kids will be going “Hey! Big Angry Trev! That’s not Ratchet! Ratchet is a green emergency response vehicle that got killed in TF4! Who is this white dude that turns into a van?!”

Well shame! Shame on you! Fie I say! THIS BE RATCHET! This is the Ratchet of old, the Ratchet your fathers loved, the Ratchet who turned into an old fashioned Ambulance and fixed bots. Ratchet, after being absent for a half dozen TF cartoon series, has been a mainstay of the main cast in previous years appearing in all four live action movies, the TF Animated & TFPrime cartoons and has a toy coming up in the latest TF RID(15) cartoon toyline. However this toy is based on the G1 character, and if you are a fan of that then you are in for a treat!

Series – Masterpiece

New/remould/redeco – Remould of MP Ironhide

Wave – n/a (MP-30)

Released here – released in Japan April 2016

Approximate Retail Price – 80,000 yen

Approximate Size – 16cm

Allegiance – Autobot

Alt-mode – Nissan Cherry Vanette Ambulance

Main Features/Gimmicks – Weapons sled

Main Colours – White, Red

Main Accessories – Weapons Sled, various guns, tools, replacement face

DSCF5334 DSCF5336 DSCF5337 DSCF5344

Vehicle Mode

Like Ironhide, this is such a blast from the past – some of us actually remember when this is what an Ambulance looked like! The paintjob is crisp, if somewhat plain looking with a palette of whitebroken up with bits of red and of course the blue tinted windows. There are extra stickers you can apply to break it up more but frankly I couldn’t wait to play with him so I’ll apply them later.

Robot Mode

A nice big stocky robot which is a good head above most of the MP Autobot Cars in height. Once again you are looking at a lot of white here so the included stickers are your friend. Usually stickers with MP’s irritate me, I feel all the paint details should be built it in but these feel very sticky and secure when applied. A lot of little things you can change such as attaching different weapons, faces and he comes with some actual medical tools (which considering we are dealing with robots means wrenches much like the Animated Ratchet toy). Whilst some may complain he still looks a tad plain, go rewatch some G1 – this is what he looked like on the cartoon and that is what the MP line strives for.

Transformation

The same as MP Ironhide but I dunno, he just seemed to go smoother somehow in a way I can’t attribute to previous experience. Whether they have made the joints a tiny bit looser or they bevelled those edges a tiny but I don’t know but it seems to be a smoother transformation. If you own Ironhide you don’t need the instructions for this – a very good level for an MP toy.

Overall

He looks like G1 Ratchet more than any toy (including the original) ever has so Takara have hit their mark. He’s not a green emergency vehicle, he’s not an updated version, this is G1 Ratchet at his best! You young kids go online and order this toy right now so you can learn what the proper Ratchet is all about – your elder has spoken!

Ask Trev!, Hobby Farming

Ask Trev – What to plant in Primary School gardens at this time of year.

April 25, 2016 Big Angry Trev 5 Comments

This question comes from Morg176 in Shellharbour

“I’d like to see an article on gardening for Primary Schoolers – What to plant, when, what might be interesting, what grows fast?”

Well first off it’s great to see teachers talking about this. In my opinion every school would benefit from a gardening program. It teaches so many lessons that take into account so many parts of the curriculum – horticulture, science, environmental studies, English, maths etc etc. But most importantly, it teaches kids where their food comes from and how it is created, it doesn’t just magically appear on the supermarket shelves.

What to plant and when?

As for when – as soon as you can! Get started and it will gain a momentum of its own. In fact I will tailor all my answers around the idea you will start as soon as possible. At this time of year you can easily plant the following: cabbage, pak choi, lettuce, rocket, spinach, carrots, celery, cauliflower, spring onions, leek, onions, radish, turnips and swedes all should grow quite well.

If you are looking at a new garden for your Primary School and the soil isn’t great, I heartily suggest you plant some legumes which will stick in valuable nitrogen for your soil. Peas of all kids do this but I have a soft spot for broad beans.

What might be interesting?

If the idea is to make the garden interesting for your students, I recommend putting in a variety of vegetables that all look quite different so the students can see the variety. Broad beans will grow nearly 6 feet high, pack choi will turn into these lovely green vase shapes, radishes will provide these red bulbs half in the soil for kids to hunt for, leeks become little palm trees, rocket will become little willowy forests and cauliflowers look like big round soccer balls.

What grows fast?

At this time of year? Bugger all. Spring and summer are the seasons where things grow fast. However a general rule is the smaller the vegetable the faster it will reach its full potential. Avoid swedes and turnips as they take forever, cauliflowers, leeks and cabbages take a while too. Perhaps pak choi, celery, spring onions, rocket and broad beans may be your best bet.

Good luck with your school gardening program! Don’t forget to prime that soil with lots of fertilizer, don’t forget to work in some water and weeding programs into your timetable and any more questions feel free to post them – I’’ll tackle them as best I can.

Transformer Toy Reviews

Toys Review – Team Sky Reign

April 24, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

Team Sky Reign of the Combiner Wars is one of those groups that doesn’t quite make sense considering the characters in play. Four ground vehicle Autobots from Season 2 of the cartoon, a giant space shuttle Autobot from season 3 as the body and then the Junkion Leader as some sort of proxy backpack. Pretty odd group to become a gestalt eh? Personally I purchased these simply as I find it very hard to pass up a figure that is a G1 character homage – unlike the traditional combiner teams (Stunticons, Protectobots etc) these guys will be staying separate rather than in their gestalt form for the most part in my display.

Robot Modes

Hound – Scout

Quite a nice looking Hound. The mould suits him really well and is indicative of his other incarnations. Good colours and poseability. Nice head sculpt too and the facial expression suits Hound quite well – no chain-beards here!

Smokescreen – Diversionary Tactician

Lovely colours, but one of the boxiest Smokescreens we’ve had in years. No particularly sleek lines and no doors coming off the shoulders. Legs and arms fairly poseable. Nice forehead fins in yellow, a bit too blue in the legs.

Trailbreaker – Defensive Tactician

Actually – surprisingly good! For me the Generations version had the front of the vehicle facing too far forward instead of downward for him to be truly Trailbreaker’esque. The flat chest and stomach actually seem to suit the figure well. Another bonus is his rounded blaster hand – this is something I never noticed in any of the pics I saw online so was a very pleasant surprise and helps give him his own feel. A shame they put it on the right hand instead of the left as in the cartoon it was always the left but you can overlook it. Good poseability, great colours, excellent head sculpt.

Wheeljack – Mechanical Engineer

Wanna know why Wheeljack is so small in the picture? Because every time I took a photo up close Wheeljack appeared as a flare because he is so white with nothing breaking it up! All the rumours you’ve heard about Wheelkjacks lack of paint apps are true. They’ve given him the windshield on the gut yet its white, his hands are white – everything is plain white! Worst looking Wheeljack we’ve had for years (if you don’t count the Tiny Titans one).

Sky Lynx – Lieutenant Commander

A nice looking Sky Lynx indeed. While the poseability isn’t great nearly every part of him can be repositioned to some extent (wings, tail, legs, feet, neck, mouth) so you can give him different looks. Blasters can be attached to the wings or to elongate the tail.

Wreck Gar – Junkion Leader

The beard should have been a bit less dark, as it is it looks like a big black smudge on the bottom of his face – a shame since there is actual definition between the mustache and the beard. He is very lanky too but pretty good for such a small figure. Could’ve used an axe.

Vehicle Modes

Hound – Army Jeep

Like Swindle this is his weaker mode. It’s not a bad looking jeep overall but it doesn’t quite work on some levels. That said, it’s a more grown-up looking jeep than the Universe version and a more milatristic looking jeep than the Alternators version. Having the star on the hood and being able to put the silver gun at the back and off to one side make this toy look more Hound’esque. Once again like Swindle there are little details like saddlebags etc on the sides which are easy to overlook as they have received no paint apps.

Smokescreen – Sports Car

Very nice indeed! Well proportioned, good paintjob, 38’s on the doors and hood – overall very Smokescreen’esque.

Trailbreaker – SUV

A case where using the hand/foot attachment actually seems to serve some purpose. It acts like a removable cab over the ute tray to give him much more of a G1 feel. This is ruined if you look at him from behind with the thumb sticking out and all but from the front and sides it really works. They also got the stripes just right on the sides of the vehicle.

Wheeljack – Race Car

Certainly his redeeming mode. Looks really good and is very faithful in shape, colour and concept to the Wheeljack character. Very nice indeed if still somewhat plain looking.

Sky Lynx – Space Shuttle

Besides the undercarriage sticking out from under the back of the Space Shuttle good and it’s very faithful to the original Sky Lynx concept in terms of proportions, colour scheme and shape. Very nice. Blasters can once again be attached to the wings.

Wreck Gar – Motorcycle

A sleek, futuristic looking motorcycle. Could have used a bit more gray instead of yellow and maybe the odd spike. Not a bad reuse of the Groove mold however.

Combined Mode – Sky Reign

*I showed up once in the comics where I had different limb characters and worked for Galvatron. How humiliating!*

Actually, you know what? It’s not that bad looking a gestalt! The Lynx head looks very cool indeed and differentiates him from the other gestalts in look. Sky Lynx overall works really well as a torse, providing a great looking head, chest and limb connectors. The fact his two blasters combine into one huge sword is very cool too. The rest of the team are quite interchangeable as limbs, it doesn’t really seem to affect the look too much whom you put where. Smokescreen in particular looks like his colour scheme works well alongside that of Sky Lynx. The limbs aren’t really super impressive, you’ve seen all these molds as limbs on the other combiners before. But the overall effect of these guys combined is better than I thought it would be and Sky Reign can be posed in a myriad of ways. Wreck-Gar really doesn’t work anywhere on him, not even as an odd looking backpack, I can understand why he was dropped from the official description of the gestalt at the last second. It’s interesting that Sky Reign has finally shown up in popular fiction (the IDW comics Transformers #52 & #53) yet not only was Wreck-Gar left out but the limbs were completely different characters.

Overall it’s a fun group (Wheeljacks poor robot look notwithstanding) with a surprisingly fun combined mode. It’s a shame that Wreck Gar doesn’t really connect properly since all the other gestalts are made up of six figures (even if they just become a weapon) but there are ways around it. So Wave 6 of the Combiner Wars gets a big thumbs up from Big Transformer Trev.

Multiverse Gallery of Sky Lynx toys

Random Reviews

Album Review – ‘Metal Resistance’ by Baby Metal

April 22, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

‘Metal Resistance’ is the second album released by ‘Babymetal’ – a j-pop group of three teenage girls from Japan.

Right off the bat, let me say to you this: You think your band sounds tough? You think your band sounds badass? You think your band has enough slick guitar riffs in its counter-status-quo tracks?

Well guess what? You were wrong. That’s ok, everyone is wrong sometimes (Well not me, but if I were not the exception what would be the point of reading articles on this website if you thought they might not be 100% correct? Entertainment and mild hilarity? Maybe, that’s a pretty good reason I guess, but I still reckon I’m correct here).

This album is j-pop at it’s best! And the great thing is that the majority of the lyrics are in their original Japanese! Half the songs sound like they should be the theme-tune for some absolutely bitchin’ anime fight sequence, the other half sounds like the band listened to every punk-rock group they could find, then listened to Queen, then mixed the two styles into a symphonic brilliance! Makes you want to headbutt a tank one track, stand there as a shining beacon of kitch-goodness to your followers the next.

babymetal

I highly recommend giving your ears the gift of the second track – ‘Karate’ – before buying this CD. I’d listen to this song online then decide if you want a CD full of likewise, because this is by far the best track on the album. If you don’t like this song (that’s possible I guess – but I fail to see how. I don’t control your minds…. no I don’t! Stop accusing me of such! Good luck proving to the cops you are under the influence of the mind powers of a hobby-farmer anyway you dirty snitches!) then don’t bother with this CD. However if you wanna listen to the best j-pop music to surface in a long time, I heartily recommend this album!

Link to ‘Karate’ official Music Video on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvD3CHA48pA

Tales of the Trev, Videos

Video – London Bender

April 20, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

Though I had no hand in making this, and certainly would have edited out some of the more ‘revealing’ situations I appear in, the clip is a good precursor to an account I intend to write of “The Church” in England which is a tale certainly worth telling and this will put that story of debauchery in it’s true context.

Contains scenes of partial g-stringery, you have been warned!

worried

As you can see, the clip disturbs even me – and I lived it!

Meaty Goodness!, Tales of the Trev

Burger Review #1: Big Angry Trev vs Australia’s Hottest Hamburger!

April 20, 2016 Big Angry Trev 3 Comments

Preface: The “TNT Burger” is the hottest 100% Australian made burger in the world ! We use sauces made by “The Chilli Factory” including the lastest “Scorpion Strike” which is made with the hottest chilli in the world – the Trinidad Scorpion Butch T,,we also use the famous “Turbo Supercharge” as well as “Devils Delirium” in our patty among with other special flavours ! The patty is 330gm infused with the above sauces,the bun is 200gm,the burger is topped with fresh chillis, 2 rashers of bacon,tomato,lettuce,onion& cheese and of course The Chilli Factory’s award winning sauces! Many have tried with no luck and a sore ring im sure ! Only 14 people have successfully munched it down ! Those who have succeeded get their name on the “Wall of Flame” and receive a Chilli Factory stubbie holder and lanyard ! Now with the new hottest chilli in the world (“Trinidad Scorpion Butch T ) the burger will be at its hottest

Thursday

11.00am: I telephone the venue and book the burger challenge the requisite 24-hours in advance. I am informed that the burger will cost $15 because of the imported chili’s and they will not start it’s preparation until I am on site.

Friday

11.15am: I take a group of teenagers, whom (quite understandably) look to me as their guiding inspiration, down to the venue so they can watch me eat it. I figure that I’m used to eating hot sauce pretty often and if it’s too hot I’ll just wolf it down fast. I have what drinks I will require all squared up in my head and I feel ready for the challenge.

11.20am: They start to make the burger. I see how big the patty is and realize I won’t be wolfing this down fast – it’s very big! The boys and I are watching the chef at work with growing trepidation. We see the imported chili’s taken out, chopped up and put on (there’s a lot of them – I find out later from the chef that they are in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the hottest in the world!). A lot of the sauces being poured on have ratings adorning the labels such as 12/10 hotness!

11.25am: The chefs wife comes out, informs me of the contest rules. There can be no drinking during the challenge (uh-oh!), I have to sit at this table in the middle of the place by myself so no one else gets any of the hot sauces on them by accident. I need to wear special gloves when eating it (holy crap!). They provide napkins and say only use one at a time to wipe my mouth (apparently my lips and skin will be burning) then discard so I don’t spread the juices and make it worse. They provide one of my entourage a cooled tea towel and instruct him that he will need to mop my forehead fairly often. They also instruct me to keep the sauces/juices away from my eyes as I could end up in hospital if I get any in there.

11.30am: I sit down, now somewhat nervous and don the gloves. My disciples set themselves up at a respectful distance to watch and some film with their phones. The burger comes out (it is damn big!). I’m informed I have two hours to eat it, most people that have managed it (only 14 out of the few hundred that have tried) take about an hour.

Burger

11.31am: I take my first bite. It’s hot, damn hot, but nothing I can’t handle. I decide to try and get it down fast so I start really hoeing in. The lads are laughing and encouraging me.

11.35am: Mouth and throat now on fire! Really want a drink. Starting to slow with my eating.

11.40am: Lips and surrounding skin now burning. Using napkins after each bite. Have broken out in the sweats – armpits saturated and forehead needing to be frequently mopped. Lads laughter has turned to unsure giggles.

11.45am: Starting to feel nauseous, eating slow. Needing a break after each bite with eyes closed and slow breathing. The Chef appears and tells my entourage not to make any noise as people often need peace at this part of the process.

11.50am: Taking a full minute break between each bite. Two-thirds of burger gone. Mouth and throat no longer on fire as they have gone numb. Nausea has become quite intense. Really sweating hard.

11.55am: Disciples now silent except for one telling me he thinks I should stop. The chefs wife comes to check on me, tells me if I start to have chest pains she will be forced to stop the challenge.

12.00pm: Nausea now very intense. Feeling a very odd tingling sensation down both arms I have never felt before. Hands shaking, eyes closed, breathing heavily.

12.05pm: Having to chew each tiny mouthful about 50 times before I can swallow it. Throat numb and swollen. Even eating a tiny piece of onion makes me feel like I am going to vomit. Dead silence in the venue, everyone watching intently, no one cheering me on anymore, just a lot of worried faces.

12.10pm: Stomach now not only nauseous but I am feeling definite acute pains down there. The tingling in my arms has become very intense. Strong headache coming on. Skin ever redder than usual. I take a bite of the patty about the size of a mint. Realize that if I swallow it I will definitely vomit. Look at my plate, there is about a fifth of the burger to go. I realize that I’m going to lose the challenge – I just can’t do it! Take the piece of meat out of my mouth, put it on the table and admit defeat with a hung head.

12.11pm: The teenagers all breathe a sigh of relief and I realize just how intense the atmosphere had become. The Chef’s wife brings me some fresh watermelon and a drink which I take gratefully. The Chef himself comes out, we shake hands and I compliment him on his victory. We chat for about 5 minutes, turns out that the first time he tried the challenge he couldn’t do it either. I vow to come back next year and take another crack at it. I don’t get my name on the wall or the other prizes but he gives me a lanyard for getting so close. The Chef’s wife warns me that I should not kiss anyone for the next 5 hours because the heat transfers and it could cause them pain and made quite the point of emphasizing I should not kiss anyone anywhere, don’t think she was talking about at the Opera somehow.

12.15pm: I drive back to work, find a cool quiet bit of carpet in front of an air conditioner in a low traffic area and lie down. A bemused but sympathetic co-worker gets me some pain killers from the First Aid cabinet. I count down the clock until the day ends, trying not to vomit. Go home and spend the rest of the day with severe stomach pains coming and going. Drinking milk seems to alleviate the worst symptoms.

Saturday

3.10am: Wake up with stomach hurting and something definitely going wrong downstairs. Go to the toilet. What I can only assume is a form of viscous fire erupts from the lower part of me. Spend the next half hour on the toilet in intense pain and my backside feeling just as much on fire as my mouth had done 15 hours earlier.

3.40am: Take pain killers and alka-seltzers and go back to bed, vowing not to go back next year and try again.

Afterword: I tell this story with a sense of shame. It is the only time in my entire life I have failed a food challenge and failure does not sit well with me, so I may be stupid enough to make another attempt some time in the future. In the end it was the nausea the burger was creating that beat me (and given the ingredients I am not surprised) rather than how hot it was making my mouth so maybe something to line my stomach beforehand may be in order.

Meaty Goodness!

Meat Recipe #1 – Big Bowl o’ Chickeny Goodness!

April 19, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

Recipe: Big Bowl o’ Chickeny Goodness!

Serves: 1

Impress friends and family with this delicate dish. Maybe even use as the main course during a romantic, candlelit dinner for that special someone whom you hope to make the sparks fly with.

I shall take you all through this slowly, step-by-step, as it’s not the easiest recipe to get the hang of.

Step 1: Obtain 4 large roast chickens

Step 2: Place the chickens in a bowl

Step 3: Eat the chickens

Random Rants

The greatest invention in the world happened – and nobody told you!

April 18, 2016 Big Angry Trev Leave a comment

Time and time again we are shown that the media is unwilling to cover the stories that really matter and seem to proactively work to keep you, the general public, in the dark. News reports are dominated by the latest political popularity polls even when an election is not in the air, celebrities partners sneaking dogs through customs are treated like matters of great import. The bland, mediocre and unverified dominates the headlines instead of the important scientific achievements that can make the world for all a better place.

I discovered through my trawling of cyberspace what is simply THE GREATEST INVENTION EVER! Even then this revolutionary breakthrough was given a short 2 minute spot. Why was this story not on the front of every newspaper?! Why was it not the lead story on every news report?!

The story/newsclip detailed the miraculous medical miracle that has changed a woman’s life. Scientists in Germany have invented expandable, inflatable breasts! No surgery, no nothing! Just a shot of saline under the armpit when you feel like upsizing and your bust goes up to a staggering 32N! Not a C, not a DD, no – a 32 freakin N!

DSCF5321

Why is the world not rejoicing about this?! Where is the media coverage? Where are the stories about the scientists involved getting their Nobel prize? Where is their ticker-tape parade with the world honoring them for achieving what has been only dreamed of by hentai artists for years? I mean, this truly is the greatest invention ever. Bugger the wheel – you just need them to get the place to buy the saline! Bugger the internet – you just need it to order the kit online!

Why aren’t women screaming for this to be stocked at Aldi!? You’d never pay for a movie ticket again!
“I’d like to see this movie for free”
“No!”
*Squirt, BOOMPH!*
“Of course you can! Would you like some free popcorn and drinks too ma’am?”

Admittedly the woman who had it done could possibly have had self-appearance issues which may be why she initially volunteered for the procedure. But that just means it’s a godsend for those that consider themselves unfortunate looking. Doesn’t matter if you’ve only got one eye, no nose and half a leg – you ain’t gonna have trouble finding a date with a pair of 32N’s! Why aren’t they spruiking this invention to those individuals in the Middle East who act like extremist nutjobs? Suicide Bombings would stop tomorrow! Some moron is about to blow himself up to get to paradise, finds out about this revolutionary procedure and goes “Oh man! Paradise is right here on Earth!” Bloodshed stops, peace reigns, happiness descends. Sensible solutions for a happier world.

Sorry Japan, but Germany has officially won the scientific innovations race. We don’t need anything more. This is the final thing the world needed to have invented. The future is here my brothers and sisters – rejoice!

Write letters to your local media outlet asking – nay, demanding -to know why you were not informed of this important issue sooner. You have a right to expect the media to cover the stories that truly matter.

Writer’s note: I certainly hope they do not come up with a similar invention for men. Given the average human males insecurity about the size of his member, if an invention came out that could enlarge it to extraordinary proportions it would cause an international saline shortage as every guy would not be able to resist ‘upsizing’ to a greater degree than guy next to him. A worldwide ‘phallic race’ would ensue. Jeans and public urinals would have to be totally redesigned, though it would undoubtedly be a boon to the wheelbarrow industry.

A link to the original clip about this issue can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TvFbbTNRfU

Big Angry Trev!

Yearly Archives: 2016