Househusband Tales #1 – Pampering Poorly Perfected

After 16 years of teaching, Big Angry Trev has retired to his country estate up in the mountains to embark on a career of plant propagation.  Only one problem with that…

… his wife has gone back to work full time which means he needs to care for the house as well as their two small children.

This is the first of many tales about his new career as a househusband.

 

Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

An axiom to live by, one I have tried to embody but by no means have ever been its poster child.

With the wife going back to work its put me in the new position as househusband, a relatively unfamiliar role.  Being a bit lost at sea I thought perhaps I should go with “what I used to wish my wife would do for me when I was the breadwinner” and go from there.

 

I remember what I always wanted.  It consisted of:

  • Bacon, eggs & coffee in the morning
  • A packed lunch
  • A big dinner waiting with a cold beer for when I get home
  • A bit of peace
  • A shag

If I remember correctly, sometimes I used to get a coffee.

 

Now my wife’s proclivities are not quite the same as mine but I thought the ‘do unto others’ angle worth perusing.  To this end in the first week I did the following:

In the mornings

  • I made my wife a cup of coffee just the way she likes it.
  • I packed her lunch for her which changed daily but always included:

– Two types of fruit

– A variety of biscuits

– A drink such as a can of cola or a flavored breakfast milk

– A sandwich that always contained at least one form of dairy, meat and/or egg

 

– Occasionally a thermos of soup

  • I then made the children’s breakfast and generally kept them out of her hair as she prepared for the day.  Then it was kisses goodbye and well-wishes for the day ahead as she drove off.

 

In the evenings

  • Dinner was always on cooking when she arrived home, and always a recipe I knew she enjoyed.
  • A glass of chilled wine was held in my outstretched hand.
  • The children awaited her – clean, fresh faced and eager to tell her about their days activities. Sometimes they held flowers we had picked for her that day.
  • After dinner I would whisk the kids off to bathe whilst she watched her evening shows.
  • When the children went to sleep I had my ‘bedroom eyes’ on and something sexy underneath my dressing gown in case she needed some ‘stress relief’ from her hard day.

 

Omelette made from organic, free range duck eggs- Mr Perfection over here!

Of course, that was me in the first week of being a househusband.  So far in the second week:

  • She got a glass of half-flat wine on Monday, and only then because there was some leftover from a bottle on the weekend.
  • Tuesday the kids and I slept in so she had to make her own damn lunch.
  • Wednesday the kids were filthy because they had been traipsing around the farm with me while I fixed a pump at the creek and we ate red meat because that’s what I wanted.
  • No hot dinner at all waiting Thursday as I needed her to bring home groceries to make it.
  • Today on Friday the sexy underwear got put back in the bottom draw, since it seems to have caused more bemusement than arousal over the last fortnight
Big Angry Trev’s version of ‘subtly seductive’

 

So the first lesson I have learned as a Househusband is:

“It’s easy to start with perfection, but impossible to maintain it”

 Hmmm… maybe this gig won’t be as easy as I first thought.

 

Got something to say?  Would love to read it in the comments section below!

 

Related Articles:

Househusband Tales #2 – Bathrooms are Bull$hIt!

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