Right now much of the world is in the grip of panic. Like SARS before it, a new virus – COVID-19 or the Coronavirus – is spreading across the globe, with nearly 100000 cases worldwide so far and deaths in the triple figures. Thought to originate in Wuhan China, air travel has taken it to every continent on the globe and more and more countries are dealing with outbreaks of the potentially deadly disease.

But did it really originate in Wuhan? And is it really a natural virus?

 

Here in Australia, much like the rest of the world, supermarkets are experiencing massive runs on toilet paper. People are buying hundreds of rolls at a time to stockpile and shelves empty as fast as they can be restocked. So with stock in toilet paper companies rising  right now it’s a good time to own shares in a loo-paper company.

In fact one might say it’s a very good time to own shares. Almost a suspiciously good time.

 

That’s right – COVID-19 is not a natural virus! It is a synthetic virus. And who created this virus? THE TOILET PAPER INDUSTRY!

 

Think about it – what’s the results of COVID-19 so far?

*Nearly a hundred thousand people worldwide are sick? What do you do when you are sick? Go to the toilet more often for a start.

*What do the authorities recommend if you think you may be infected? Quarantine yourself at home for 14 days. Being that bored you are going to eat more, therefore defecate more, therefore need more toilet paper. And being stuck at home for a fortnight, you are going to stock up on dunny paper big time before you sequester yourself away.

*What is half the populace of the planet doing right now in response to the Coronavirus. Simple – the general public are shitting themselves!

Everybody has always known what a bloodthirsty realm the toilet paper industry is. Cartels fighting for power in the streets – many’s the bathroom-tissue brawler left with a sharpened dunny roll protruding from their bloody eye socket. Scientists working in the toilet paper equivalent of meth labs, each trying to come up with something more absorbent or to add yet another unrequired ply. It’s something we have all come to see as a necessary evil in order for us to not have to wipe our arses with the back of our hands. But now things have gone too far. The creation of synthetic viruses in order to sell more bogroll is an evil one could equate to the how the tobacco industry adds addictive chemicals to their cigarettes in order to get people hooked, despite the fact that due to their products their consumers eventually die. And lets face it, the Toilet Paper consortium’s have had the governments of the world in their pockets for years. Plus this virus came from China, one of the biggest toilet paper manufactures in the world. Coincidence? I think not!

Well I shall have none of it – do you hear me you putrid purveyors of poop-paper! I shall not be stocking up on toilet paper as this crisis continues. I shall use leaves, I shall use bark, I shall use the scarfs of co-workers while they are not paying full attention. And I shall decry you from the rooftops – you murderous bastards will not get me!

 

Cry havoc, and let slip the arse-wipes of war!

 

 

Note: The above it written for satirical purposes only. BigAngryTrev.com extends its sympathies to all those across the globe who are suffering from the Coronavirus, as well as to the families of those who have lost loved ones to it.