Category Archives: Random Rants

Posts that fit nowhere and everywhere

Househusband Tales #9 – THERE WILL BE MEAT!

Never in all our years together have I felt such a sense of betrayal resulting from the actions of my spouse.

No, she didn’t cheat on me. No, she didn’t spend our savings on something extravagant for herself. No she hasn’t been saying awful things about me behind my back to her friends and family.  She hasn’t even stopped me ordering this months shipment of Transformers.

The near-unspeakable act she committed was…. wait for it…. telling our son we could have at least one vegetarian dinner a week!

I know – pretty shameful behaviour right?

“What did she just say?!”

We are a decision sharing household and whilst both my wife and I have autonomy to make decisions, we usually do so safe in the knowledge that the other would agree with our actions.

But the other night when we were eating dinner, my son asked what vegetarianism is, as he has encountered the concept since starting Primary School. So we explained to him what it was. He then asked if we could have a vegetarian dinner. Without batting an eyelid, without looking to me to see if I was on board, she replied “Yeah we can have a vegetarian dinner. In fact we can have one every week”.

My jaw hit the dinner table, and not simply because I was stuffing rissoles into it. Did she just say what I thought she said?! Did she just make a unilateral decision regarding our family’s dietary requirements without consulting with me?

“Um… dear…” I said is a very guarded tone.

She looked at me, subtle amusement clear on her face, then repeated herself to our son that “yes, lets have vegetarian once a week”.

I was shocked! I was flabbergasted. And I tell you one thing…. this will not stand!

 Now, let me say something from the outset – I have nothing against vegetarians. My entire adult life I have had vegetarian friends and sometimes eaten at their houses. Even went to a vegetarian restaurant in Melbourne for one of their birthdays once. The tofu tasted like bloody awful warmed-up gelatin but I still ate it.

From a sustainability viewpoint I think vegetarianism has a lot going for it, given you can generate a lot more food per acre from growing crops than from grazing livestock. You are going to feed the starving masses around the world a lot easier with rice than you are with lamb.

Plus I’ve always looked at Vegetarians the same way when young I looked at Gay Guys. Every two guys that decided to get together meant that there was two more women available for me to pursue. And like that, every person that decides to become a vegetarian means one less person competing for that prime steak in the butchers shop. Homosexuality, Vegetarianism – not lifestyles I subscribe to but of which I heartily approve.

But this is my dinnertable. And by gawd in this household at dinnertime we eat MEAT!

Try getting this level of satisfaction from a bowl of alfalfa sprouts

 

For those of you thinking I am being draconian in my viewpoint, consider the following:

Breakfast

We technically have vegetarian for breakfast 6 days a week. My son and wife have porridge, my daughter has toast and I have fruit.  It’s only on a Sunday when I cook a big breakfast for the family that meat enters the realm of breakfast in our household.

Lunch

At lunchtime my kids have hardly any meat. My daughter has one slice of shaved ham in her ham-and-cheese sandwich. My son has two slices. Besides that it’s all cheese, bread, fruit, crackers and my wife’s home-baked goods like banana bread.  In fact, sometimes we make the kids organic free-range duck egg sandwiches which cuts out that bit of meat all together!

My wife packs salads for her lunch so she usually eats vegetarian, unless she puts some lean chicken in or something.

I usually take a frozen meal to work, as since I am so rushed making my kids lunches for Preschool & Primary School in the morning, I don’t have time to make any for myself. And anyone that has eaten those frozen meals know the companies are extremely frugal regarding how much meat they include.

So that is a tiny bit of meat for the family at lunchtime, vastly overshadowed by a plethora of non-meat products.

So, given that even if you combine the first two meals of the day, the meat intake of my family is miniscule, why the hell should we be eating vegetarian for our third meal as well?!

 

Well, I can tell ya right now – we won’t be! I never cook an all meat meal, why should I cook an all vegetarian meal? Is that fair? Is that just? Is that a balanced diet? No, no it is not!

Every meal I cook has non-meat products in it. If I cook Indian there is rice, coriander, naan bread and pappadums. If I cook Thai there are Asian vegetables and noodles. If I cook Italian there is pasta sauce, wholemeal pasta and garlic bread. If I cook your average Aussie Meat & 3 Veg, there is indeed 3 Veg. In fact I usually put in four of five!

Chef extraordinaire

And yes there is meat. And yes there is usually a lot of meat. And on my plate in particular there is admittedly a LOT of meat! But it’s not all there is. Again, as tempting as it is I never cook an all-meat meal (for a really great all-meat meal though, check out this recipe!).

So I’m putting my foot down. There will be no vegetarian meals at dinnertime in our household. None, zip, zippo, nada, naught! There will always be meat. LambPorkVenisonChickenBeefSeafood – whatever. It will be there on the plate for all to enjoy. Someone doesn’t like it, they can push it to the side of their plate. Good luck with that since my daughter is a little carnivore and my son, the one who asked about having vegetarian meals in the first place, complains almost every night about having to finish his veggies. I can’t see them pushing all that meaty goodness to one side so as to have more room for broccoli.

My wife cooks about once a month. I, as the househusband (who now also works 4 days a week AND looks after the farm) am the primary chef and it will be a cold day in hades before I start cooking meals of a night that don’t have a big slab of animal flesh included! We are carnivores, our eyes are in front in order to judge the distance to our prey – eating meat is natural and healthy and it is how humanity evolved. I firmly believe we developed an opposable thumb so we could go out and club mammoths in order to have Flintstone-sized steaks back in the cave. Humanity would not have survived as a species if our ancestors had said ‘Oh I think I’ll just have a light salad’. I treat my gut like Noah’s Ark, it is my fervent hope that by the end of my life it will contain at least two of every animal. And making one 7th of my weekly dinners vegetarian may well ruin that dream. Surely my wife can’t want to destroy my dreams can she?  Doesn’t she love me the way I love her?

A plate of Flying Fox in Vanuatu. It was… unique.

As far as I’m concerned my wife can cook vegetarian when it’s her turn to cook. I’ll just require adequate notice so that I can have a bunch of bacon on hand to add to mine.

Got something to add? Pop it in the comments section below!

 

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Meat Recipe #4 – His & Hers Bangers and Mash 

Scalpers: A-Holes of the Collectors World

Scalpers – the bane of collectors everywhere.

Nasty little parasites who eagerly buy up all the figures they can and then flog them for twice the price.  Evil pricks without an empathy or remorse.

No, I don’t like scalpers – no sir!

Now I want to make a distinction here.  I don’t consider scalpers people who sell rare old toys for a lot of money.  Yes sometimes the prices they ask are ludicrous, but there is no rule saying you have to buy what they are selling.  You need food.  You need water.  You need sleep and shelter.  You don’t need action figures.

So if someone has an old toy from the 80’s that they are selling for 10 times what it originally cost, I don’t consider that scalping.  The toy is not available anywhere else, it’s been maintained for 30 years, chances are there is someone out there that is willing to pay the larger amount and be happy with getting a long sought figure.  That’s fine, no problem

No, what I consider a scalper is some unscrupulous sod that goes from store to store (and even online) when a new figure is released, buys every single one, then is selling them on eBay half an hour later for twice the price or more.  In those cases you are a scalper sod.  A prick of the highest level!  Because you are stealing the opportunity for others to buy the item fair and square and then making them come to you to buy it at an inflated cost.

 

As a Transformer Collector, I have seen 3 major incidents of scalping over the last 6 years:

 

  1. 2013 – Hasbro Masterpiece Soundwave

Everyone was so excited for this figure!  An MP Soundwave with 5 cassette warriors included! Personally I got on the American Toys’R’Us website the moment it was listed and refreshed the page for an hour until I finally got one in my basket.  Only then to be thwarted at the checkout with ‘This item does NOT ship internationally’.  Would have been nice for them to have that on the product listing.  No wonder the company went out of business.

Half an hour later the item was completely sold out.  And surprise surprise, within the hour those Soundwave’s were being listed on eBay for twice the price. Usually with the disclaimer ‘shipping will be delayed two weeks’ because these pricks didn’t even have the figure themselves yet!

The same thing happened in the US when Soundwave hit the physical TRU stores.  People were walking in the moment the doors opened, taking every single MP Soundwave off the shelves and then going through the checkout.  So if you came in at 10am – too bad!  You want that toy now?  You have to go online and pay the bastard that came in at 9 twice the price!

 

  1. 2015 – Combiner Wars Devastator
Picture provided by fans still annoyed years later

Rather famously here in Aus, there were several people (and I use the term loosely) in particular that went from store to store in Capital Cities and bought every single one!  Once again, those figures were then listed online for twice the price within a day.  The outrage on the Aussie TF chat forums was palpable.  But to show the lack of ethics and empathy inherent within your average scalper, one seller even went online showing a photo of himself with a stack of Devastator’s and thanked the irate members of the Ozformers site for all the free publicity.

 

  1. 2018 – Heavily Discounted TLK Figures.
What the items cost in stores…

This has just happened within the last week here in Australia.  Big W had a sale where a large range of figures from The Last Knight were being sold in stores at incredible discounts.  Most notably Voyager class figures were going for $5!  So many TF fans were rushing to stores to pick up figures they had previously been unable to afford, only to find the shelves empty. Why?  Because the F’ing scalpers had bought them all and stuck them on eBay – that’s why!

…what the toys cost a few days later. Only a bit over 15 times the price!

 

So why do scalpers annoy me in particular?

This last incident, despite affecting my collecting the least, has annoyed me the most.  I was lucky enough that a friend in the US was able to find a lone MP Soundwave sitting in a TRU for me, and likewise my mother-in-law was able to find a CW Devastator in Bathurst by asking the staff who luckily still had two sitting in their storeroom, the shelves themselves now bare.  I missed out on the TLK figures last week but, for myself, I don’t really mind.  I would have liked to pick some up at that price but it’s not like they were figures I felt I had to have.

No, what annoyed me about this last incident is it was robbing struggling families of the opportunity to buy a big toy at a cheap price at Xmas time.  There are a lot of families doing it tough and can barely afford to eat, let alone get their kids a decent present.  Especially out here in rural NSW where we are still in the midst of a shocking drought.

Transformers aren’t the cheapest of toys, and there are lots of little boys and girls who will never own one because their parents can’t afford it.  Some of these kids wonder, when they have been good all year, why Santa won’t even bring them a little robot, whilst the kid up the road who habitually beats them up gets a PS4 under their tree.  For those kids and their parents, the opportunity to buy a $50 Optimus Prime for only $5 would have been a godsend at Xmas!  But nope, the scalpers had to go and buy them all up first and now eBay is awash with them.  Bastards!

 

So scalpers out there, I say this to you: You are scum.  You are filth.  You have no kindness or empathy in your hearts.  I may not believe in God but I do believe in karma and I hope you never sell a single figure.  I hope that under your Xmas tree this year you find naught for yourself as you don’t deserve a gift.  And I hope most of all that maybe you meet one of these struggling families one day and you have to stare into the face of those whose opportunity to give their kid a happy Christmas you stole.  Maybe that might make you finally have some self-reflection.  Because right now you are not a part of humanity, you are simply a leech that feeds of it.

 

Got something to add? Pop it in the comments section below!

 

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Hard Times for Aussie Collectors

 

The Playmate and the PM: Anderson vs Morrison

In today’s rant I’m going to offer an opinion that will fly in the face of what most people are saying on social media.
The Pamela Anderson/Scott Morrison thing has been blown WAY out of proportion.

For those that don’t know, Pamela Anderson has been vocal about supporting Julian Assange and saying that the Australian Government should take action to save him from political persecution by the US.  So that’s fine, no problemo.   Personally I don’t really give a stuff when overseas celebrities have something to say about our politics, but then I’ve commented on social media about stuff Trump does so it’s not like I’m any better.

When asked about Anderson’s comments on commercial radio, Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison said:

Quote:
“I’ve had plenty of mates have asked me if they can be my special envoy to sort the issue out… um, with Pamela Anderson”

Now not the most PC thing to say I admit. In fact it was dismissive and pretty stupid.  But lets look at it in context shall we?

 

Pamela Anderson has made and sometimes still makes a living from being a sex symbol. In the past she appeared naked plenty of times in magazines. Did a video Playboy special (back in the VHS days) where she was not only naked but had a prolonged simulated sex-scene with some muscular bloke – so we are talking softcore pornography here. Did a few movies where she either wore tight black leather or nothing at all and plenty of sex scenes there too.  She even did the voice of ‘Striperalla‘, a cartoon which was mainly based on huge breast jokes.

Nothing wrong with any of this.  Nothing.  If that’s how you make your living and you are happy doing it and it hurts no one then more power to ya.  I know I had Pam’s poster up on my wall when I was 18.

These days, at age 51, she tries to portray herself as an activist and, when it suits her agenda, pretend the last 30 years didn’t exist.   But she spent decades purposely portraying and marketing herself as a sex symbol, it’s how she made her fortune. And she was more than happy to do so and be known for it when it meant the millions and movie roles kept rolling in. And she is still happy to, again – when it suits her agenda, use her sex-symbol status as can be seen in the (heavily airbrushed) posters she did for PETA just last year where she is posing in a tiny bikini.

She obviously still cares deeply about her sex-symbol status as is evidenced by all the plastic surgery she has had done on her face alone in the past few years.  Though to be honest whenever I see a picture of her I can’t help but think of what comedian Bill Burr had to say ‘There is nothing wrong with looking your age!  Wouldn’t you rather look like a 53 year old human instead of a 35 year old leather sofa?’  And I hate to say it Pam but perhaps it would have been better just to do what most of us do and simply let nature take its course rather than try in vain to fight it with so many chemicals and surgeries.  Just a thought.

 

So considering what Pam has done and still does for a living, is someone saying their mates asked to be a special envoy to talk to you really so bad?

 

Pamela went on after the PM’s comment, long and loud and on every possible media outlet imaginable, calling the comments smutty and lewd.

Really?  Really Pamela? I’ve watched you simulate ******* a guy senseless.  You were happy for a sex tape of you and your hubby to be spread all over the net when it got you back in the spotlight. Some might say those things are smutty and lewd.  All this guy said his mates would love to talk to you.  Stupid but hardly the worst you’ve ever heard I’m sure.

 

Pamela has stated that yes, she used to do highly sexualized roles but doesn’t give people the right to make sexual comments.  That’s fair enough and I agree with her.  Fully. But really, this was a stupid but very mild thing to say.  It was a comment in the context of addressing the statements of a celebrity who still actively promotes herself as a sex symbol.  If it had been a male sex-symbol he may have said his female friends were lining up to be a special envoy.  And if it was someone of either sex who was a librarian or a scientist or political analyst he may not have made such a flippant joke at all, or at least one that related to that persons chosen field as he did here.  But then who know’s, maybe he would have said something worse.  I certainly aint a fan of the man by any means.

 

In fact there is one main reason the Prime Minister should not have said what he said:

You are the Prime Minister of our country Mr Morrison and should hold yourself to a higher standard of discourse!  You represent us on the world stage.  Don’t stoop to the level of a crowd pleaser, even if it is in a less formal context like commercial radio.  You should have ignored it or said she was entitled to her opinion, not make a comment that makes you look dismissive of women and like a sexist dickhead!

And Pam?

Get off your hypocritical high horse would ya!  You are completely entitled to your point of view and to state it to whomever you choose.  But don’t pose in bikini’s for PETA to further one agenda and then pretend that it was incredibly offensive for a man to say his mates would love to meet you in order to further another.  Decide if you want the world to see you as a sex-symbol or want to leave that world behind.  You can’t have it both ways.  You just cant.

 

I think I’ll be actively turning off my TV or radio next time one of them comes on – I don’t want to hear anything either of them have to say.

 

Got a different opinion on all of this (I’m sure there are many that do).  Feel free to write it in the comments section below.

 

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Househusband Tales #7 – The Fear

Fear – a permanent part of every parent’s life.

Of course, that main fear, that overriding fear, that fear that can knot your stomach like a cats-cradle is that something will happen to your kids.  You enrol them in swimming lessons because you fear them drowning, you hold their hand when crossing the road because you fear them being hit by a car, you give them a big kiss and cuddle, not long after having to tell them off doing something naughty, because you fear that they will feel you don’t love them.

But there is another fear, a fear that you seldom think of but is there all the same, you fear not being able to be there for them.

 

Without going into details that I don’t consider I have the right to share with the wider public, the clan I come from has experienced extreme heartache this century.  We have had parents lose their child – the most horrific thing that I can ever imagine happening to anyone – and conversely we have had young children lose a parent.  Both scenarios have caused more heartache and loss than I could ever put into words here.

It is the second scenario that right now sits at the forefront of my mind, and is causing a level of fear I have seldom encountered in my life.

 

Once I became a parent, my life became secondary to that of my son and a few years later also my daughter.  I exist and my purpose on this planet is to care for, look after and love my children.  That’s my job and to me there is nothing else that comes close to being as important.  To this end there are a lot of things I don’t do that I either used to and don’t anymore, or had never done and now never will.  I don’t get blind drunk or take drugs because that would impair my ability to care for my kids.  I don’t do dangerous things that might result in me going to hospital or stupid things that might result in me going to jail as that means I won’t be at home to look after my little ones.  I look after myself primarily so I can look after them.  I figure I have no right to put myself in a scenario that would take me away from them.

 

Of course, now I have a skydiving ticket.  It’s for this Sunday.

“Who me? I’m not worried! Do I LOOK worried to you?!”

A gift from my wife for my 40th birthday.  I can’t blame her as when I was in my twenties I really wanted to go skydiving and have always professed it’s still on my ‘to do before I die’ list.  But the timing really does suck.  10 years ago I would have literally leaped at the opportunity and 20 years from now, when my kids are grown up, it would breathe some life into the old duffer I had become.  But right now, as the Househusband who spends all his days looking after his two kids, all I can think of is ‘What’s gonna happen to my kids if something goes wrong?’

 

Yes, I’m aware I might be coming across a bit of a coward here who is just making excuses but it’s not really that.  Yes I’ve developed a problem of heights that I didn’t have when young and that’s not helping my anxiety much.  But then I’ve Bungy Jumped and gone on helicopter rides and stood on the edge of cliffs so I can deal with it.  And yes, I’ve never liked the idea of death much, as an Atheist I don’t believe in an afterlife so when you go that’s it.  But as much as I don’t want to experience it, I’ve never massively feared death and would lay down my life to protect my family without a single moment’s hesitation.  I will say that the fact there were 5 skydiving deaths in Australia last year and two of them were at the exact  venue I will be doing my dive at has given me a serious case of the willies though.

 

So then exactly why am I so scared about this Sunday?  It’s the idea that if something goes wrong (and let’s face it – it does happen) that I’ll never see my kids again.  I’ll be separated from them forever and they will have to grow up without their Dad.  My beautiful children – my son who loves cricket and fishing and video games and Transformers won’t have his old man around to help him learn to ride his bike without the training wheels, how to operate the pedals on a manual vehicle, how to stand up to bullies and be a good man.  My daughter, who has a giant mass of near-untameable blond curls which stand out from her head like the afro of an angel, she will no longer have a Dad to teach her about animals, take her for piggy-back rides and later threaten any boys that get interested in her when she gets older.  Yes they will still have their mother and could not ask for a better one, but they will have lost their other parent, their Dad who makes their lunches and cooks their dinners and gives them neck-rides and tickle fights and a million kisses and cuddles each day.

 

So more than heights, more than actual death, more than anything else the idea that I won’t be there for my kids anymore has gotten me filled with fear.  There are times I feel almost paralyzed by it, or like I will break into tears.   This past week I’ve had trouble sleeping, I’ve been moody and snappish and morose.  After doing so well with cigarettes for so long I’ve been smoking a pack a day, which is really stupid as that is one thing that will guarantee your kids lose you sooner rather than later.  I’ve been drinking more than a few beers each evening to try and knock me out come bedtime.  Given my attitude, my wife is probably wishing she had given me an experience that wouldn’t cause such stress – a night in a 5-star hotel with a steak as big as my head, some ancient scotch & a large cigar followed by a night of passion would certainly have been a nice way to welcome me into my fourth decade without the prospect of becoming the dimensions of an oversized pancake.  Save the skydiving for when my kids don’t need me anymore.

 

Of course our children are unaware of what is going to happen on Sunday, I don’t want to worry them.  They probably think things are great right now as I’ve been taking lots of extra time to play with them, been giving them little treats each day and, even moreso than usual, just picking them up at random times to shower them in kisses and warm hugs and tell them how much I love them.  Because deep in my heart I know there is the possibility, however unlikely, that these are my final chances.  After all, all it takes is one strap to break or chute to tear and dear old Dad is a splat on the ground.  Of course I could just not do it, I have that option.  But what can I say, as well as being a Househusband I’m also an idiot male that never backs down from a challenge and never chickens out.  I just hope that male pride doesn’t kill me.  Thank Primus that a mate has decided to do it with me; Brendan –  I’ll do my best to not hold your hand on the flight up but I’m not making any promises.

 

So what do I do in these last few days before the jump?  Well I guess I just gut it out and try to keep the paranoia under control.  It doesn’t help to have a very active imagination and I’m even making my wife sign a form I wrote acknowledging my wish for assisted suicide if I end up in a permanent coma or am permanently paralyzed and can never move again (a horrific fate worse than death for someone as active as me – every moment would be hell).  But I need to remember that hundreds of these jumps happen all the time and that resulting deaths are few and far between.  Even moreso I need to remember that I am Big Angry Trev and I will kick skydiving’s arse!

 

And above all, I just need to keep lavishing the love on my two kids, so that if something does happen that’s what they remember of me – a Dad who loved them with every fiber of his being and always will.

 

Got anything to say about the above?  Pop it in the comments section below.

 

Edit: Just thought I’d pop this in.  It’s the day after writing this blog and I am feeling soooo much better.  Writing the above was very cathartic, really helped me vent my paranoia and thus work through it to get past it.  I’m feeling ready and raring for the jump – watch this site for the upcoming video soon!

 

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Betrayed by our Cricket Icons

The mightiest of Australian icons has fallen.

 

There are not many institutions, let alone individuals, who are held up on seemingly unshakable pedestals.  Pop stars are not – we just wait for the next drug scandal or bad album.  Scientists are not, even though they should be.  Politicians?  Forget about it – the amount of credibility to be found in Canberra would not fill a metaphorical teaspoon.

 

So who does that leave?  Well for us Aussies it’s usually our sporting heroes.  But even those are not universally revered.  If you live in certain states then chances are you don’t give a stuff about AFL and likewise with RugbyBasketball still has the stigma of being an American sport and Soccer is considered too European too be a true Aussie pursuit.

 

So we have the cricket.

 

To wear the Baggy Green is a dream that even the most sporting inept of young men dream of.  Even I did.  I was on the school team in Primary School, though my lack of coordination combined with an inherent fear that a speeding ball was going to remove my head guaranteed I was perpetually the worst on the team.  But even I dreamed of playing for Australia, smacking 6’s out of the park all over the world for the glory of my team and my country.  We hold our test cricketers in esteem with a level that no other sport receives in our great brown land.  We pin on them so many of our hopes, our dreams and our national pride.

 

Yesterday that all came crashing down.

 

For those that don’t know,  our team was caught cheating.  So what, all teams cheat now and then, everyone does it etc etc etc.

No, not the Australian Cricket Team.  Not before.  Not until now.

 

The greenest member of our Test Side, a young man named Cameron Bancroft was caught on camera ball tampering.  By the application of yellow tape to make the ball pick up grit, he hoped to change the way the ball flew in order to frustrate the opposing batsmen – a well known and much despised way to cheat.

Attempting to hide the evidence in front of television cameras – not bright

But we cannot lay the blame simply at the feet of this young man, because it was the leadership members of his team that put him up to it, headed by the team skipper Steve Smith.  After being caught in this flagrant act of cheating a press conference was called and Smith admitted that it was a premeditated action, multiple members of the team conspiring to purposely cheat.  He even had the audacity to go on in his interview that he felt he should still remain captain.

 

Well he won’t be captain any longer if the public has anything to say about it.  The public are pissed off!

 

Why are we so pissed off?  Well as said before, we hold our cricketers up to a level that perhaps only the biggest of our Olympic heroes also reach.  They represent us on the world stage in a sport that we have so often ruled.  They go out into the world, armed with a green hat and a piece of willow and shine for us.  To be captain of the Australian Test Cricket Team is perhaps the highest position a player of sport could ever hope to achieve in our nation.  Beneau, Border, Lawry, Ponting – they are names that every person knows.  As for Bradman, he is a true legend in our society (and didn’t have to put on a metal helmet and rob people to become it).  Our cricketing captains are the closest we have to home-grown royalty and someone that little boys see as tangible heroes.  Oh they go may through slumps in ability or difficulty with the ACB, but for the most part they are unimpeachable.  Unlike so many other countries teams, our team and our captains have always been the squeakiest of squeaky clean and beyond reproach.

 

Smith’s actions took that away from us.  He stole that from us.  He ruined that for us!

How dare he.

HOW DARE HE!?

You bastard!

How dare you Steve Smith!  How dare you sir!  You were given the top job in Aussie sport and you sullied it, you dragged it through the mud!  Do you really believe Australians will forgive you?  You might as well forget about the massive amount of sledging that our team will have to endure from other counties on the field for years to come, you need to worry about what you will cop from the home crowds when you next play in Australia, if you ever get that chance.  The Captain of the Australian Cricket Team is a sacred position, a sacred trust.  You have betrayed that trust.  You have betrayed us.  My 5 year old son is really getting into cricket, shows no interest in other sports but is always eager for us to head down to the local nets and smack a few balls around.  I won’t be buying him a poster of you anymore, I won’t be holding you up as a figure to emulate. In fact I’ll go out of my way to make sure he never learns your name.  Because I don’t want him to feel disenfranchised with a sport in which his interest is just beginning to grow. You have gone from a source of national pride to a source of national shame.  Aussies are very fair minded and the fact that you put your youngest, most inexperienced team member up to such an act, putting him in such an awkward position that he either betrays his captain or his sport, just compounds the nature of your crime.  If you had any decency at all, you would quit right now and do your best to become a ghost because you will not be welcome in many social circles on your home turf anymore.  We can forgive losses, but we cant forgive this.

 

So can Australian cricket ever recover from this.  The answer is yes, but perhaps not entirely.  As the years progress it will become a matter of history but Australia can never get back the ‘Well, we have never cheated’ mantle – its gone forever.  It has been stolen from us and the nation mourns.

 

My love of the sport remains, but my love of our team and especially its captain, does not.

 

Got something to add?  Would love to read it in the comments section below!

 

 

 

Househusband Tales #6 – The Power of the Platter!

Is there any parent out there who doesn’t have trouble getting their kids to eat healthy?  Or getting them to eat everything on their plate?

The little buggers always seem to have their tastebuds geared towards sugar, or if not then selectively whatever you don’t have to hand.  And if, like me, you have two of them at home it can be double the frustration as what one likes the other hates.  It makes feeding them a nightmare!

Well, while dinner times might still be an onerous chore for their mother and I, I have at least figured out a way to get them to eat their lunch with nary a complaint every single day.  No, I haven’t given in and let them have junk food, I have discovered the Power of the Platter!

Yep, no more making sandwiches they only eat half of.  No more trying to get fruit down their gobs only for them to whine “I don’t wanna!”  By giving them a wide selection of tucker to choose from, making sure it’s all near bite size and letting them pick what they eat first and at their own pace, I find they end up eating most everything!  Plus when they get bored of one ingredient, you just swap it out for another with minimal fuss.

 

Let’s have a look at a platter I made for my son:

And now one for my daughter:

 

To ensure they are getting all the nutrients their little bodies need I always make sure to put in:

*A couple of types of fruit

(Strawberries, Blueberries, Grapes, Sliced Banana, Sliced Apple, Cubed Watermelon, Glass of Watered-Down Juice)

 

*At least one kind of nut

(Almonds, Cashews, Walnuts, Unsalted Peanuts)

 

*At least one kind of dairy

(Cubed Cheddar Cheese, Sliced Tasty Cheese, Occasional tub of Yoghurt, Glass of Milk)

 

*At least one kind of meat

(Sliced Ham, Sliced Chicken, Tuna)

 

 

*At least one kind of plain cracker (even plain ones are seen as a treat!) and/or piece of non-white bread.

 

I also find that it pays to put in one (cheap) food that you know they are not really keen on.  For my kids that’s sultanas – they don’t hate them but don’t really love them either.  By putting that on their plate and then ‘letting them off’ from eating it, it gives them a feeling of ownership in deciding what they do and do not consume from their platters. That sense of control means they eat the rest more eagerly without it seeming like a chore to them.

 

By following this pattern, and changing up the ingredients used, it’s turned into a very effective way of getting a bit of everything my kids need to eat into their bellies each lunchtime without it becoming a major battle.  I hope it works for you too!

 

Got any other tips on how to get kids to eat healthy?  Would love to read them in the comments section below!

 

Related Article:

Househusband Tales #1 – Pampering Poorly Perfected

When donating, a simple thank you would be nice

Today was donation day for our household and we donated to three different places.  Two places left us with a warm glow, the third… not so much.

 

We are great believers in donating items that are still useable.  A hoarder at heart, I almost never throw anything away in case it can be reused down the track and I hate to see other items go to waste, so if they are still in good condition they go to the appropriate donation venue rather than in the bin.

Over the weekend my wife spent many hours sorting through the old toys, books and clothing of our kids, then last night I helped her split the items we decided to donate into three different groups.

 

The first lot – a huge crate of old toys that still worked (we even replaced the batteries in some) to take to The Green Shed at our local tip.  I get a lot of stuff at The Green Shed for gardening and they always charge next to nothing.  Some things like mulch you can even get for free!  So it felt good to give something back for them to sell.  As I am there at least twice a week dumping garbage (no bin service on our remote farm) my face is known to them.  They were very appreciative and stopped to have a nice chat afterwards about the use I am putting all the pots they sold me a week before to.

The second lot – a big bag of books.  These were all in excellent condition and aimed at 3 to 5 year olds.  However since our kids are ravenous readers (or at least love being read to) they have enough books to fill their own library and could easily part with these particular ones they never show interest in anymore.  We donated these to my kids Preschool.  My son was very proud handing them over to the lady that runs the place, who made a big deal of it and even got him to help apply stickers saying who had donated them.  Once again, it was a nice feeling.

 

Then it was time for my daughter and I to do our third and final stop – this time to a Vinnies.  These guys were getting the bulk of the items; a ton of books for 1 to 3 year olds, a ton of toys and six bags of clothing.  All in great condition.

My daughter and I took the six bags in first.  Gave the lady behind the counter a smile which was absently returned as I informed her we had a bunch to donate.  She replied ‘just put them on the floor’.

We put them down, went back to the ute then returned with the huge box of books and toys.  She saw us walking back in but didn’t even wait for us to sit it down or take an interest in what it was.  As we approached her counter she just wandered off to another part of the deserted shop and started sorting dresses on a rack.  My 3 year old daughter even said “Hey. Where’s that lady going?”

‘C’mon lady – this is good stuff!’

It left us feeling cold to be honest, like us donating this stuff was of no consequence.  Now bear in mind, in no way was I expecting some kind of fanfare or to be treated like the prince of altruism for simply donating some kid’s stuff that were no longer needed.  Thousands of people do that every day and it’s a shame even more don’t.  And for all I know we were not even the first people that day to bring in donations.

But it was the lack of interest that got me.  And to be honest, it felt a little hurtful as the items we were donating meant something to us.  Those books, toys and clothing – each one was doused in memories.  We probably have photos of our kids doing different activities in almost every outfit.  The books – many of those books we read to our children a thousand times before bed, them cuddled in our laps.  The toys came from many places; gifts from friends and relatives – some of whom are no longer with us.  Some we watched our kids unwrap with excitement on Xmas mornings.  But you can’t keep every single thing as a keepsake or soon you will need another house, plus it’s better for a child in need to get some use out of them then for them to sit in a box in the shed.

So yes, the items meant something to us.  And we were not just dumping rubbish like some people sadly do.  Every book was unripped, every toy cleaned with working batteries, every item of clothing washed and neatly folded.  So even an ‘oh thanks’ would have been appreciated.  But no, not a thank you for the clothing and didn’t even bother to stick around to acknowledge receiving the books and toys.  I know that the whole purpose of these donations are for them to go to people more needy than ourselves, not to receive kudos, but some small sign to show she registered on some level what we were doing would have been nice.  I don’t think she was a bad woman by any means, in fact she is probably a very nice person who was performing the 500th day in a row of donating her time and just happened to have other things on her mind at that particular moment (you can’t expect people to be infallible), but still.

 

Will this put me off donating further goods?  No way!  Both The Green Shed and The Preschool were very gracious and these items are going to people in need which is the main purpose of the whole exercise.  But there are two thrift stores in the town I took my goods to and next time I will take unwanted clothing to the other one.

 

Everyone likes to be thanked.

 

Got something to add?  Would love to read it in the comments section below!

 

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Househusband Tales #4 – Judgement Day

Dear Checkout-Lady from Woolworths,

I just wanted to write you a quick note, apologizing for the fact that the way I live my life doesn’t seem to meet with your approval.  Maybe I should have explained myself properly at the time, but let me make it up to you by doing so now.

When I came through your checkout, it was during the last part of a very long day.  My family lives on a farm a good 40 minutes from the nearest town we can do a decent shop in – your town.  So when I take my kids there, it usually means we do a BIG shop so as to not have to return soon.  We had already spent the day suckling at the big-business teat and engaging in crass commercialism – having visited Bunnings for plants, Harvey Norman for electronics, Aldi for the first lot of groceries, Big W for toys and Subway for lunch with their mother who works in your town.  Our energy was low and our finances were lower by the time we got to the checkout of your store for the second lot of consumables.

So no, I didn’t have the energy to give a detailed answer when you said to me “So, you are the babysitter today huh?”  I must admit, it never occurred to me looking after my own children was babysitting, I just thought it was being their dad.  But anyway, my answer of “No, I’m the househusband” seemed to upset you.  I guess you expected that a decently dressed male looking after two kids mid-afternoon was just experiencing an aberration to his usual routine. You must have thought that it was a one off and that the next day I would be back pouring cement or desexing camels or some other manly career.  The idea that I look after my kids (no – it’s not babysitting) every day didn’t resonate with your idea of the world.

And then a few minutes later the second unpleasant surprise for you occurred.  You put through a little Transformer toy – a $5 Autobot from the latest movie to come out – and went to hand it to my 4 year old son with a smile and a “Here you go”.  He took it, looked at it, then handed it back to you and said “No that’s for my dad”.  The look you gave me said it all as you took the toy back and bagged it with our groceries.  Not only did this guy you were dealing with not have a job, but he was buying children’s toys for himself?!  Freak alert, freak alert!  No wonder you didn’t make eye contact with me or speak again for the remainder of our transaction.

So yeah, I had better explain myself.

“Please yer Honor, I’m not a bad guy! Just a victim of circumstance!”

 

I worked for a department for SIXTEEN YEARS lady!  Sixteen years of damn hard slog!   And for nearly the past 5 years my wife had looked after both our home and our two children she gave birth to during that time.  She wanted to resume her career and I needed a break from mine so we moved states and swapped roles.  Now I’m the one looking after our home and children while she goes to work – is that OK with you?  I also look after our 120 acre farm and animals if that makes it more socially acceptable. Oh, and I’m self-teaching propagation so hopefully one day both my wife and I can make a living out of it and set up our own plant nursery.   Perhaps in your eyes I should be content with saying into a microphone “Clean up in isle 3”. 

Not an appropriate vocation for men it seems

Why is it that, even in the 21st century,  a woman is applauded for taking on a career yet a man is still treated like a leech if he takes on the role of homemaker? Could you explain that to me Ms Checkout Lady?  Since I’m such an unemployed bum I obviously have the time to listen.

 

As for buying that little $5 Transformer, well yeah, you’ve got me there.  It was for me.  However before we came to your store we had been to a different one where my son had gotten a $20 Transformer and my daughter a $20 My Little Pony.  I’d also bought a relatively expensive thermos for my wife ($45 but it was in her favorite colour which makes it OK) so that I can make her soups to take to work for her lunch. So no, I wasn’t splashing out on myself while the rest of my family did without.  And guess what?  I’ve got THOUSANDS of Transformers at home!  That’s right – literally thousands!  Been collecting them since I was seven years old and I intend to open a museum one day!  So if I restrained myself to buying a little $5 one then for me that is pretty damn good.  And the toy says 6+.  Well I don’t know how good your maths is since you just scan everything, but 39 is definitely on the plus side of 6!

‘Oh Drift, you’ve caused more trouble for me than you ever did the Decepticons’

Why the severe judgment for what I spent that piddly amount of money on anyway?  I wasn’t buying myself booze or smokes. I wasn’t buying myself chocolate or sweets or junk food. I wasn’t betting it on a horse or sticking it in a pokies slot.  I wasn’t earmarking the money to buy weed or pills or get a blowjob in some dingy back alley.  I was buying a little toy.  Out of all the things I could be spending money on – a teeny action figure should rate pretty low on the objectionable scale.

 

So I’m sorry Ms Checkout-Lady from Woolworths (I won’t call you a ‘checkout chick’ since it’s mildly sexist and you looked way too old to refer to as a chick anyway) that my lifestyle choices offend you.  I’m sorry you found the way I go about my existence unsettling to the point you wouldn’t speak or make eye contact with me.  But you know what – I LIKE my life!  I like looking after my kids.  I like tending to my farm.  I like making meals for my wife.  And yeah, you better bloody believe I like Transformers!  And none of this is going to change any time soon.

So if the way I live still offends you, then next time don’t try and make small talk.  Just shut your damn mouth and bag my f*cking groceries.

 

‘Woolworths, the Judgy people, with fresh judgement’s on you’

Got something to say about the above?  Would love to read it in the comments section below!

 

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Househusband Tales #2 – Bathrooms are Bull$hIt!

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Househusband Tales #2 – Bathrooms are Bull$hIt!

There are certain laws of the universe that one considers immutable – one of the main ones I have always had no reason to doubt is cause and effect.  If you do A, then it will cause B to happen.  If you throw a ball in the air, it will come down again. If you stick your hand in the fire, it will be burned.

So if you have a room in which you use nothing but cleaning products, then ergo that room should be nothing but clean!

Seriously, why the f*ck are bathrooms exempt from the rules of cause and effect?!  I’ve tidied plenty of bathrooms plenty of times but before today, in my new role as househusband, I’d never cleaned one before.  Oh sure it looks clean enough, but when you get up close the friggin things are filthy!

‘Soap SCUM?! Since when is soap scummy? It doesn’t conduct phone scams does it?’

 

Why are they filthy?  HOW are they filthy?! I took a look at all the products we have in our bathroom:

SCENTED SOAP

     FOAMING CLENSER

ANTISEPTIC LISTERINE

     FACIAL SCRUB

BODY WASH

Look at all the words contained within!  Those are words associated with cleaning.  It should be the cleanest damn room in the house!

And the bath!  How can the bath be filthy?!  You fill it full of hot soapy water and then drain that straight down a damn plughole! I come out cleaner after being in the bath, the kids come out cleaner after being in the bath – why doesn’t the bath come out cleaner from being within itself?!

It’s bloody madness is what it is!  I spent over an hour cleaning the bathroom today and I still have the floor to mop!

 

Well, enough of that – I’m not going to be suckered twice!  From now on I’m hosing the kids off in the yard, the wife can shower at work and as for me, well I’ll just stand downwind of people as a courtesy.  Because a world where soap makes things dirtier just doesn’t make sense to me – it seems to be a joke played by a capricious universe that just wants to f*ck with my househusband brain.

 

Go to hell Bathroom – you porcelain-toting bastard you!

 

Have you encountered this freak of household nature yourself?  Tell us about it in the comments section below!

 

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The Postal Vote: be ye not afraid!

The Plebiscite Postal Vote is almost upon us and you can’t turn on a radio or television without almost immediately being subjected to discussions of it.  Don’t even think of going on the internet, let alone social media, as everyone screams their two cents in unadulterated rage at the other side.

 

The Pony Postal Vote

Now me, I’m going to take a different tact.  I’ve got a message for two of the most vocal groups against gay marriage – those groups being Ocker Aussie Blokes and Christians.  I’m not going to try to convince you to vote for gay marriage – I know you are not going to – there is no point me yelling at you.  My message is why you shouldn’t be afraid of gay marriage.  Because guess what?  Even if it doesn’t happen this time around, eventually it will happen so you had better get comfortable with the concept.

 

To the Ocker Aussie Blokes:

Guys, if there is one group that should be in favor of gay marriage it’s you guys – think about it:

  • For every two guys that get together, that means two less guys as competition to pick up that hot chick at the end of the bar. You should want more guys to turn gay!  Imagine if you were one of the few straight guys on earth – yeah maybe TV might suck more but you’d have women literally lined up around the block waiting for a shag!
  • Women getting married – that’s pretty hot! How are these lesbians going to pay for their weddings?  Two women getting married means two wedding dresses and those things are bloody expensive!  Maybe they will make a saucy video and put it online that you can watch for a small fee as a way of raising the cash eh?  Even more hot girl love on the net – boo-yah!
  • Girl couples everywhere! To build upon the last point, lesbians being able to marry means they will feel more socially accepted for their sexuality.  This means that they are more likely to freely express affection in public.  Imagine being on your lunch break, eating a sandwich, to look over and see two girls going the pash, even engaging in a bit of light petting.  What a wonderful bloody country this will become – I’ll damn well be voting for it!

 

To the Christians

  • Everything that happens is part of the Devine Plan. No getting away from that.  So if it does happen, it means that God meant for it to happen.  So don’t get upset, just accept it’s part of the almighty’s divine will that your little human brain cant comprehend.
  • It will make gays easier to spot and subsequently judge. You won’t have to hunt them out anymore, checking closets in case there is a nest of them ensconced somewhere in your neighborhood.  They will be out in the open, holding the hands of their legal spouses.  Makes it a lot easier to target them to give them fliers about The Truth and tell them at length how they should be living their lives.
  • More room in Heaven, less in Hell. In The Book of Revelations it gives the dimensions of Heaven which is about half the size of the USA.  Given the population boom, you don’t want to go around saving everyone.  If everyone gets into Heaven it’s going to be standing room only – forever.  Not even room to swing a harp!  You don’t want those sodomites in Hell stretching out with plenty of room laughing at you do you?

 

But to both the Ocker Aussie Blokes and The Christians, let me give you this last piece of reasoning.  You know why you shouldn’t stress if Gay Marriage happens?  Because if it does happen it means we won’t have another bloody plebiscite postal vote that costs over ONE HUNDRED MILLION OF TAXPAYERS DOLLARS because our pollies are too afraid of pissing off the wrong special interest groups and getting voted out!

 

As I said before, gay marriage is going to happen one day.  Just like equal rights for women and equal rights for indigenous people, there is no stopping the march for equal rights for the LGBT’s – it’s inevitable.  So let’s just get it over with eh?  Then you Ocker Aussie Blokes can get back to getting pissed in front of the footy and ranting about how bloody foreigners are ruining this country, and you Christians can get back to telling your children that the invisible man in the sky loves them but will make them burn in unbearable pain for all eternity if they love the wrong person.   And the rest of us can just get on with it because gays getting married isn’t going to make a damn bit of difference to anybody else’s day to day lives.

 

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