Movie Review – Trolls

A bunch of tiny multi-coloured misfits living and singing in the forest, happy as Larry with only the worry that some big baddy will come along and snatch them to eat.  No I’m not talking about the gay version of the Smurfs (or am I?), I’m talking about the latest kids movie to hit the cinema – TROLLS.

 

First off, let me clarify that I did not see this movie by choice.  Rather I got roped into it via work.  While I usually enjoy animated movies just as much (and usually more if I’m honest) as the next adult I had a feeling I wasn’t going to like this movie.  And lo I was right!

If you have a daughter aged between 5 and 13 then this is probably a brilliant movie for them.  If not in that gender or age group than this movie is a definite miss.  There is very little to recommend it to male proclivities and there are none of the subtle adult-aimed jokes that usually permeate animated movies in order to give the grown-ups a chuckle on the sly. This is very much a movie for little girls, with scrapbooking, hugs and glitter abounding.

 

PLOT

The movie follows a very Smurf’esque plot.  Happy little fraggers living in the forest singing away until a big bugger comes along and grabs a bunch for dinner (yes Gargamel in the movies was after their essence but I think in the cartoon he was gonna eat them or something.  I don’t know if Gargamel himself knew, senile old coot living alone with his cat that he was).  So Princess Poppy, who caused the mess by throwing a huge party teams up with the one grumpy misfit didn’t attend (Branch) to go rescue their friends before they become snacks.  That’s it for plot.  I wont bother going into it further as there is bugger all to say, there really isn’t.  It is so formulaic – Branch learns to be happy, the Trolls get away and the bad guys learn to be good.  Yawn.

VISUALS

The graphics of the movie are quite good.  The trolls are all ultra-colourful, can change shade seemingly at will and there are even a few glitter-based ones that seem to fart sparkles (the one crude joke in the movie, used too early and too many times to be funny).  The bad guys – the Bergens, are all green with crooked teeth and look like the atypical ogres out of a fairy tale.  Personally my favourite of the visual effects were when Princess Poppy first takes off to rescue her friends and various parts of the landscape come alive to try and eat her.  This was done in a clever fashion and was subtly reminiscent in some ways of the old Yoshi’s Island game on the SNES.

Also something I found clever visually was the way the Troll characters used their hair, which of course is what the toys have been known for for decades.  They use their hair to grapple, change its colour for camouflage and even turn it into stairs.  It was used in quite a different number of ways and full credit to the writers for how they did so.

MUSIC

The music is, like the whole movie, aimed at young girls with it being a relentless teeny-bopper fest.  I did like them using a Gorillaz track when we first encounter Bergen city.  For young girls the music is great – for the rest of us not so much.  But then this movie starts Justin Timberlake so what do you expect – it’s his target demographic.

VOICE ACTING

The voice acting is fairly standard and uninspired.  I was shocked to see John Cleese come up in the credits, I’m guessing he must have been the old King or something.  Gwen Stefani, Russel Brand – none of them really do a stellar job with what is a very simple script.  The only decent voice actor in the whole thing is Christine Baranski, immediately recognisable to anyone who watches The Big Bang Theory or was a fan of Cybil many, many years ago.  She does a great job as the main antagonist and her expressiveness leaves the rest of the cast in the dust.

 

WORTH WATCHING?

So is this movie worth your hard earned bucks?  If you are the type of grown up that still has a pink, fluffy diary that you write all your secret hopes and wishes in and dreams of one day meeting a nice boy who would rather hold your hand then get your knickers off then I guess maybe.  But otherwise, unless you have a daughter who really wants to see it, stay well clear.

 

So have you seen Trolls yet?  Will you see it after reading this review?  Would love to hear your thoughts below!

 

 

Movie Review – Bad Santa 2

A foul mouthed, alcoholic, sex-obsessed criminal in a Santa suit freaking out kids and shagging everything in sight.  13 years ago we got introduced to Willy – better known to the world as Bad Santa.  A movie that to this day remains my favorite ever Xmas movie and in my top 10 movies of all time (along with Sling Blade – Billy Bob Thornton rocks my world!).  And now in 2016 Willy and his crew are back for the long awaited sequel – Bad Santa 2.

First off, let me say that deep down I always knew this movie would not be as good as the original.  There was almost no way it could be.  Even Billy Bob was quoted in an interview during production that he thought the movie would be good but not as good as the first.  But the trailers had me hooked from the get-go, to the point that when I found out my local cinema would not be playing the flick I drove 180km to Echuca just so I could see Willy on the big screen.  That’s the kinda obsessed fan I can be.

This movie picks up 13 years after the original and that is fully demonstrated by the reappearance of Thurman Murman, the fat, curly-headed, slow witted kid from the first flick.  Thurman is all grown up now and turning 21, Willy’s birthday present for him being a session with Opal the prostitute (who was also in the first movie) which he makes Thurman pay for himself, though he runs off rather than going through with the act.  Listening to Willy instruct Thurman on how to have sex is one of the filthier and funnier moments between the two in the movie and quite the laugh.

Willy and Thurman’s relationship was the main focus of the first movie, showing how Thurman’s naïve trust and affection for Willy as Santa slowly teased out a glimmer of humanity from the drunken crook.  In this movie their relationship hasn’t changed.  Willy still talks to Thurman like he is an irritant, but feels some need to keep the grown up Thurman under his crooked wing.  While Willy never puts Thurman ahead of himself, he finds himself never able to completely abandon him when he is in need either.  While there are some short funny scenes between the two, their relationship never really grows in this film like it did the first, and Thurman is very much a secondary character, more of a hassle for Willy to take care of, even if that means dumping him in a hobo hostel where men are actively either vomiting or masturbating.   A very touching scene near the end of the movie shows Thurman singing in a choir and Willy, despite running late to rob a safe, can’t pull himself away.  Willy stands there almost in tears watching him sing, while Thurman’s face lights up with pure joy when he see’s Willy in the audience.

We also see the return of Marcus, the angry dwarf from the first movie.  Marcus, having been arrested after events of the first movie (which included trying to kill Willy at the end) has gotten out of prison after ten years and is going straight back to his old tricks.  He recruits Willy for a job where a safe-cracker is needed and takes him to Boston.  Once again, there is no real development of the relationship between the two from the first movie, their tit-for-tat mean-spirited bickering being a highlight of the original flick.  While we get some similar scenes here, every time they seem to be able to kick off properly they are interrupted by Willy’s Mother (whom we shall come to) laughing at or repeating one of their insults.  I found this to be a bit irritating, interrupting the flow of a dialogue which proved such a highlight in the first movie.  But like Thurman Marcus has been relegated to a secondary character.

The new character we are introduced to is Willy’s mother (played by Kathy Bates) who  has been in contact with Marcus since he got out of jail and arranged for him to bring Willy in on the job, knowing full well that Willy would say no immediately if she approached him directly.  This is the new focus of this movie, watching the relationship between Willy and his mother rekindle.  Willy’s mother proves every bit as foul as Willy, having fallen pregnant with Willy when she was 13 (according to her the only time Willy’s father didn’t give it to her in the ass) and giving birth to him in a state correctional facility, not realizing she had actually given birth until she tripped over him lying on the floor.  Throughout the movie it is portrayed that while she is an immoral, foul-spoken, dirty-minded, career criminal (explaining a lot about why Willy is the way he is in the process, she even framed him when he was 11 for a crime that she committed) she is also is trying to reconnect with Willy, due to her age and failing health, stating the reason she brought him in on the job because she thought it would be fun for them to work together.  Willy hates her with a vengeance, and quite rightly so, but over the movie softens that tiny bit, stealing a bottle of cough medicine for her and even smiling (albeit once) at one of her jokes.  She also presents him with the first gift she has ever given him in his life, a gun in case Marcus tries to kill him again.

Willy in the movie is, well, Willy.  The character has not changed since the first movie in any significant way except for at the start being so depressed he tries to commit suicide twice.  You still see that glimpse of softness you saw in the first movie when dealing with Thurman, though in usual Willy style this softness is portrayed as trying to abandon Thurman at a Laundromat and stealing his money, only to come back a minute later swearing at himself for being so weak to do so.  Willy’s sex-obsession is well in play, be it getting a handjob from a former shotput champion, having sex with the lady who runs the charity (played by Christina Hendricks who Willy quite accurately describes when trying to sweet talk her as having ‘humongous f*cken titties’) behind her husbands back and revisiting his predilection of having anal-sex with overweight women.  It’s shown that Willy has never truly gotten over his love affair from the first movie (stating at the start of the movie that there is only so many times you can throw up in someones lap before it kills the romance) when he keeps asking Hendricks character to wail ‘F*ck me Santa!‘ like his old girlfriend used to during sex.  Willy doesn’t have as many great lines in this movie as the last, a lot of which spouted from his drunken rages at having to be Santa again.  In the first movie he was bitter and very angry, whereas in this one he is bitter and comes across as just tired of it all.  He even see’s having to seduce and sodomize the hefty, slutty security guard as a chore.

And overall maybe that is the problem with this movie.  Willy comes across as tired because he’s done it all before and this movie as a whole suffers from that same issue.  While they have tried to introduce a new element with Willy’s mother, it just isn’t enough.  It’s the same jokes, the same antics, the same everything.  13 years ago a lot of these jokes packed a punch, these days folk are more desensitized.  The crux of the first movie was Willy’s degenerate behaviour and how others reacted to it.  In this movie Willy is actually that bit more moral than both Marcus and his mother which removes a lot of the humor.  There is no real character development or growth for Willy, except for the aforementioned very slight softening towards his mother.  Marcus is the same backstabber, Thurman comes across as a slightly more confident grown up version of himself but essentially the same, and Willy’s mother, who is now the new most detestable character, just isn’t as funny in this position due to the other characters and the public not really reacting to her wicked ways.

That isn’t to say this is an awful movie.  There were a few times I laughed damn hard, but it could be that my affection for the first movie made me more amenable to those gags than most.  But Bad Santa 2 movie is definitely a ‘Ghostbusters 2’ of a movie.  By this I mean it’s great to see the characters you love back on the big screen, but the magic and fun of the first movie just isn’t there.  I’m glad I saw this movie, but I wont be rewatching it 13 years later like I still do the first.

So have you seen Bad Santa 2?  Will you see it after reading this review?  Would love to read your thoughts in the comments section below.

Meat Recipe #3 – the perfect Pork Crackling!

Pork Crackling.  I’m an atheist by trade but dear Primus if there is a foodstuff that indicates that there may be a higher power at work then it is that!  Bacon, Ham, Pork – bless the humble pig for growing such tasty flesh upon its bones!  Of course it’s not the pigs flesh we are talking about here but the fat.

I’m not a big fat fan as a rule.  I always leave it on when cooking so it helps hold in all those lovely meat juices, but I tend to cut it off more often than not when it comes to eating the meat in question.  But pork crackling is different – it should be its own food group!  Was it not the great Winston Churchil that said  All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope, crackling’ (Historians tend to leave that last word out but many of them are vegetarians – too much time in damp book depositories and not enough exercise so I wouldn’t put it past’em to have cut it on purpose).  And today I am going to share with you the simple yet effective way of getting yourself a good a tasty hunk of this salty pig elixir!

Oh the sordid beauty of it!
Oh the sordid beauty of it!

Step 1: Select a nice piece of pork for roasting, one with a decent carapace of fat on the top.  I usually go for lion roast myself – great for crackling!

Step 2: Score the fat.  Using a serrated knife cut thin gashes through the fat to just the edge of the meat beneath.  How many gashes you cut is up to you.

Step 3: Rub a mixture of sea salt and oil into the fat, making sure you get plenty in the cuts you have scored.

Step 4: Roast the pork for the appropriate time, depending on the cut of meat and size.  Half an hour before the pork is due to be fully cooked remove it from the oven.

Step 5: Use a knife to cut between the pork and the meat and remove the fat in one big piece.   Flip the fat over and on the underside sprinkle some table salt and throw on a small dash of lemon juice.  Return both the roast and the fat to the oven, making sure the fat is underside up.

Step 6: Remove the pork from oven at the appropriate time and check the fat.  It should be solidifying by now and a reddy-brown colour.  You should be able to bend the piece of crackling a little bit but not too much.  Too dry and it will shatter, too moist and you will be eating a piece of salty rubber.  If the crackling appears too moist pop it back in the oven for another 20 minutes, giving it a little spray of oil.

Step 7: Give the crackling a short amount of time to cool – then eat the lot!  If someone tries to take it from you – well you are at the dinner table with all those big knives handy – defend your pork!

 

And that’s it! – oil, salt and a bit of lemon juice is all you need!  Oh there are plenty of recipes out there that call for garlic or rosemary (much better on lamb than on pork in my opinion) but for crackling where you want to still taste that delicious pork, then keep it simple and don’t overpower it with competing flavors.  Happy eating!

 

Have a different Pork Crackling recipe?  Share it below for everyone to enjoy!

Toy Review – Masterpiece Inferno

Ah Inferno.  So cool yet so overlooked.  A gung-ho character that was either fighting fires or fighting Cons or dealing with his psychotic superior.  Inferno is not considered a fan favourite by many, but I always loved the guy!  The original toy was great with lots of features and was a good size for its era and he was a fun character on screen during Season 2 of the G1 cartoon (my personal favourite TF ep’s ever!) Now to appease the likes of me, Tak/Tom have brought us Masterpiece Inferno!

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Vehicle Mode

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As mentioned, the G1 Inferno toy was one of my very favourite toys from that era.  The fact that the Fire Engine mode had a telescoping ladder with its two little nozzles on the end, along with the foam cannon at its base meant it had moving parts as well as looking like Inferno could actually shoot stuff in vehicle mode.  This vehicle mode here is very faithful to the cartoon but of course it suffers in the modern era by looking too simplistic.  The Leader-Class Sentinel Prime from DOTM was a fantastic looking Fire Engine as well as pretty damn big.  To compare the two, Inferno looks smaller (though pretty chunky for the current MP line all the same) and a lot plainer.

Money Shot!
Money Shot!

This said, he looks pretty damn good, the grill work on the front of the truck is pretty nice and the hoses on the side are present (both sides now rather than just the one – I would have preferred just the one myself) as well as other little details.  The telescoping ladder now has three sections instead of two although it looks a lot more boxy to my mind.  Being able to flip out a little hose at the end of the ladder and attach the spraying water facsimile is a great touch and makes it really look like a fire engine in action!

 

 

Robot Mode

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Everything you have come to expect from the MP line, including tilting ankles, opening hands, manoeuvrable head, knees, elbows etc.  Inferno is very poseable and his dimensions are spot on.  He is able to retract his hands to have big laser cannons come out, though no missile launcher like the G1 toy.  You can have him shoot faux water in this mode as well and he has his rifle so you can set him up to look like he is either fighting fires or Cons – whatever floats ya boat.  His head wings and foam launcher are present up top and while it is not something I bother with much myself you can change his face with the four different plates provided.  An issue I have with the MP line in general with some of these larger characters are how plain the legs look.  Inferno’s are better than MP Ratchet (see review HERE) and MP Shockwave’s (see review HERE) legs due to the hoses etc on the side but they all look a bit plain to my mind.  But that’s what fans have to remember – Tak/Tom is giving you a toy that looks like the cartoon as much as possible, which means you often lose lots of the nice details you got in the toy that they never bothered to replicate on screen.  Of course the flipside of that is you get little details such as his wrist communicator that the toy lacked.

 

Red Alert Lifter

Did you ever know that your my hero?
Did you ever know that your my hero?

When I saw all the images online of Inferno carrying MP Red Alert, replicating that classic episode where Inferno saves a crazed Red from a burning building, I just assumed it was something fans were doing for fun.  However when looking at the different chest plates for Inferno (there are 3) I realised one is specifically to set up this pose!  This shows great interactivity between the MP toys which is sometimes missing (besides putting the cars in MP Optimus’ trailer) in the line and hammers home that these toys really are made for the G1 enthusiast and that if you are shelling out this much money for the toy, then you should know the scene between Red and Inferno by heart already.

 

Transformation

The headaches that earlier MP toys provided – particularly Megatron and Rodimus Prime – are truly behind us.  Inferno will take you a few minutes the first few times and using the instructions until you get a feel for the toy is recommended.  I’m very much a fan of how they made the ladder fold up so compactly and fit into his back.  This is a definite improvement over the original toy and makes him look very much improved from the back!

 

Worth Buying?

If you are not a G1 nut, then for the exorbitant price tag (especially after currency conversion and postal fees if purchasing from overseas) I’d have to say a no.  There are cheaper and better looking Transformer Fire Trucks out there for you to buy on the secondary market like the aforementioned DOTM Sentinel Prime.  Even currently you have the Combiner Wars Hot Spot, Pyra Magna and upcoming Megaempress (think Megatron with a sex change) who aren’t the most brilliant Fire Engines but have the combining feature and their own teammates.  But if, like yours truly, you are a G1 nut and MP fan, then this Inferno is definitely a worthy addition to your collection.

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So what do you think of Masterpiece Inferno?  I’d love to hear in the comments section below!

Toy Review – Combiner Wars Liokaiser

Just when you think the Combiner Wars toyline is dead, they keep chugging along with even more obscure subgroups.  This time they have given us a character that you may be unfamiliar with unless you watched the Japanese G1 cartoon series Victory back in the 1980’s.   A group originally named Breastforce (no I’m not making that up and yes, you are allowed to giggle) has been reborn as the Destrons (the JP name for Decepticons in general) who combine into an almighty gestalt!  So here we go, a big review for a name as long as some of the old Street Fighter games, Combiner Wars Liokaiser: Platinum Edition!

Please note: As all these toy molds have had numerous iterations already, I will be mainly talking about any changes made rather than going over old ground.  I will put in links to other reviews of these molds as appropriate.

 

Ironbison

Doesn't fear Autobots as much as PETA
Doesn’t fear Autobots as much as PETA

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Renamed from Killbison as it sounded like he was related to the Bufflekill’s from The Simpsons.  Here we see the usual CW Brawl (for a review of Brawl – see HERE) remold but with added horns on his head to represent the original toy/character.  I found the limbs on mine to be a bit loose, very hard to pose him without the shoulders sagging.  But the mustard and silver colour scheme work together and he looks nice and tough.

 

Drillhorn

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Probably the only limb figure here whose updated alt-mode doesn’t look as cool as the original one.  This has been remolded from CW Nosecone and they probably would have done better to use the UW Nosecone mode (for a comparison between those two toys – see HERE).  Also the drill bit does not fit in the gap properly with mine which is quite annoying, I have to use the double-barreled rifle on top to keep it in place.  A nice little touch is a horn that pops out of his forehead in robot mode which adds that extra unique touch.

 

Guyhawk

Pretty in pink!
Pretty in pink!

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Did this guy pick his ultra-masculine name to make up for his colour scheme?  The most pink in a Transformer I’ve seen this side of G1 Sparkstalker!  But the colour actually seems to work quite well, it’s very vibrant indeed!  Nice head sculpt, the only one of the limb characters that doesn’t require pop-out bits.  Remade from CW Air Raid.

 

Fellbat

I'm a bat out of... er.... fell? Yeah, I'm a bat that fell I guess.
I’m a bat out of… er…. fell? Yeah, I’m a bat that fell I guess.

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Renamed from Hellbat because, well…. pretty crappy reasons actually because Hellbat was a much cooler name.  Remade from CW Skydive, this guy has his signature little bat-wing fins that pop out of the sides of his head and is one of the few characters from Victory I can remember from my one watching of the series.  Already killed off in the IDW comics which is a shame, hope that doesn’t stop Liokaiser showing up there.  A nice touch in jet mode is they have given his missiles a striking red paint job.

 

Dezarus

I shall shuffle you to death!
I shall shuffle you to death!

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Ok, here is where it gets a bit trippy, follow me if you can.  The original Breastforce (again, insert requisite giggle) had two characters that made up the torso – Leozack and Jallguar.  Since all CW gestalts (excepting CW Devastator) are mainly four smaller bots as limbs and a larger single one as the torso, these two characters were dumped for Dezarus.  Dezarus is in turn based on Deathsaurus who was the leader of the Destron army in the Victory cartoon.  To add further confusion, since Deathsaurus’ had a bipedal bird-monster alt-mode, they chose to recolour CW Sky Lynx (for a review of Sky Lynx – see HERE) to make him.

Keeping up?  Well done!  Because I’m writing this bloody review and even I’m getting lost!

Anyway, Dezarus here has the same modes as Sky Lynx (rather than his original ones) and his colour scheme makes the shuttle mode look a bit odd.  One thing I was pretty happy with though was how easily the toy lent itself to being put in a bipedal position, even achieving a certain limited poseability!  Yes it’s a stretch, but it’s the closest you are going to get Dezarus to Deathsaurus that you can.

 

Ion Scythe

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By the Power of Destron!
By the Power of Destron!

Another weird but welcome inclusion, put in mainly I suspect to keep up the now set pattern of all these CW groups having six members.  Ion Scythe is based on an old Arms Micron toy and despite his name turns not into a scythe but a sword.  The original Breastforce group (ok, you’ve had your laughs, time to get over it now) had little animal partners so it could be Ion Scythe’s inclusion is a shout out to that.

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Liokaiser

G1'ish accurate
G1’ish accurate

The head from Sky Reign (find the review of Sky Reign HERE) has been retooled to look more like the original Liokaiser and both share the animalistic helmet.  There are plenty more tricks you can do to make this toy look more G1 Victory accurate.  These include positioning Fellbats wings up and horizontal, placing Fellbat and Guyhawks grey guns either side of the right fist and turning Ironbison and Drillhorn outwards so that their treads face inwards.  All these little things help, the only problem is rotating the lower legs means he can’t use his knees, but that’s easy to turn back when you want to do some action poses.  It really is a nice looking combiner overall with plenty of poseability and mismatching-yet-working colours.  Ironically Ion Scythe is far more suited to be a CW hand weapon than the likes of CW Powerglide and CW Shockwave (for a review of Shockwave – see HERE) who both were too heavy and pulled down their gestalts arms – Ion Scythe seems to be just the right size and weight!

 

Worth Getting?

Overall I would have to say yes.  These are characters that haven’t had new toys since they first appeared in Victory nearly 30 years ago.  I would advise shopping around; I got mine for a good price whereas if I had ordered it through my usual international source I would have paid about $50 more.  And for those who have Masterpiece Star Saber – that big fragger now has someone to fight!

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Ask Trev: How to battle mosquitoes

This question comes from Betty in Boga:

“Dear Big Angry Trev.  My whole family supports you in your war against the mosquitoes!  Do you have any tips for us so that we may battle them too?”

Well Betty, like any great battle there are two main areas you need to consider – offense and defense.  I’ll assume you already have the supply chains to your troops in place so lets get straight to weaponry eh!

 

Offense – Weapon 1 – the HAND!

The best friend of Mozzie haters and single men alike
The best friend of Mozzie haters and single men alike

Not just for self-gratification and the ferrying of meat and beer to the mouth, your hand is your first line of attack when battling the airborne foe.  Mosquitoes don’t fly as fast as flies do so quick reflexes and a clap of the hands wshould guarantee a kill.  Be careful though when slapping them when they have already alighted on you, I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve deafened myself by slapping my ear or had to go have a sit down because I whacked at one too hard that had landed on my crotch.

 

Offense – Weapon 2 – the SWATTER!

Not just for bargian basement S&M anymore
Not just for bargain basement S&M anymore

A lot more fun than actually effective.  It gives you good reach and speed but more often than not will just injure – not kill.

 

Offense – Weapon 3 – AIRBORNE SPRAYS!

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Choke the fraggers!

Very good for indoors, give a room a damn good spray and watch all mozzies in the area drop like flies!  If they are bad indoors it’s a good idea to give your bedroom a spray before turning in.  Downside of these is that they are not particularly effective outdoors unless you actually hit the target.  One trick I have learned is to leave the outdoor light on for an hour at night, then go and spray the million mozzies that have been attracted to it.  Of course, that’s a lot of corpses to be cleaned up in the morning but since they are your enemies you should do it with a vengeful smile on your face!

 

Offense – Weapon 4 – the ZAPPER!

Ah the serenity
Ah the serenity

Puts out UV light which attracts the mozzies and then when they get too close ZAP!  Instant electrocution!  I went and bought the biggest one I could find.  There are a few downsides though.  Very ineffective during the day as their light is drowned out by the sun, even if you hang them in a shady area.  Also the bigger ones need to be plugged in which usually necessitates it being close to your house or shed.  Personally I have mine hung under the verandah as far from the front door as possible since they need to attract mozzies to the area before it can kill them.

 

Defense – Weapon 1 – CREAMS and SPRAYS

Lather yourself up baby!
Lather yourself up baby!

Lots of different bug repellents on the market and all work to a greater or lesser degree.  The mozzies we have this season seem to happily pierce clothing so I give my clothes a good spray of Aeroguard as well before going around the farm.  There are lots of kid friendly brands and you can get creams that are both sunscreens and big repellents in one.

 

Defense – Weapon 2 – CITRONELLA CANDLES

Both pretty and punitive
Both pretty and punitive

These may seem a bit hippy but they do work.  They give off a smoke from the wax and wick that keeps the mozzies at bay.  While having a candle or two lit is always nice, these are completely ineffective on a windy day outside and are too smelly to use indoors.

 

Defense – Weapon 3 – INDUSTRIAL GRADE BARRIER CHEMICALS!

F*CK YEAH!
F*CK YEAH!

Now we are talking!  These are designed to keep damn near every bug in existence away!  Spray it on the ground, ants wont walk over it.  Spray it on the walls, the smell sends away the fliers.  Spray it around doorframes, no spiders trying to get in.  Really does work a treat!  I use Insectigone which, while not as strong as some others, emits no odours humans can detect, has no detrimental effect on kids or animals, and if you reduce the dosage (you mix this stuff with water then spray it) you can even spray it on plants!  I’ve given my veranda a good going over and since I’ve done it I only get a couple of mozzies there a day instead of dozens.  Only downside with these are if the mozzies are already chasing you or actually on you, they wont give a damn when you cross the barrier line and then they are trapped in with you until you kill’em.  Also these are usually available at places that sell proper chemicals, not supermarkets.

 

Good luck with the war Betty – and as a great man once said – KILL!  KILL THEM ALL!

Toy Review – Masterpiece Thrust

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Oh Tak/Tom, why do you not want me to pay off my house?  Why do you keep releasing these overly-priced MP exclusives that I just have to have?  Shame on you!  If I was a stronger man I would resist, but since I’m not and have caved yet again, I may as well share with the public my thoughts on your latest attempt to empty my wallet – Masterpiece Thrust.

 

Robot Mode

I have thighs - I promise!
I have thighs – I promise!

Thrust looks quite nice here, the expression is a tad blank but the face is a nice white colour and the eyes are yellow just like in the cartoon.  The body has cartoon accurate colours too, though one could ask is this a good thing?  In the cartoon Thrust’s colours were more muted and pale then the toy, the toy being a more rich maroon verging on brown with black highlights and in the cartoon he was a reddy-brown with grey.  The idea of the Masterpiece line is to make these toys show accurate rather than toy accurate, which means that sometimes we miss out on the great features of the toy (for instance Tracks flying car mode was cooler in the toy than the cartoon but the MP we got looks like the cartoon).  Thrusts knee pads are a bit too big and obscure his thighs, making him look more stubby than he really is but he does have his tail wings coming out of his calves and the main wings angle all make the legs and torso work.  Despite some quibbles that are all relatively minor this is a pretty damn fine looking Thrust!

 

Vehicle Mode

Just too sexy!
Just too sexy!

The theoretical F15-VTOL mode Thrust was based on has been faithfully represented here.  Once again one must wonder if the colour scheme would have looked better if they had gone with the toy than the cartoon but it’s really hard not to love the MP Seeker mold – in my opinion the best looking jets of the entire Transformers line ever!  A very nice little touch they have put in is that his wing turbines actually rotate, though one has to do it via finger rather than being able to blow on it like some other TF toys.  Thrust here has all the features the other MP Seekers have such as the nosecone and cockpit that open.  A couple of extras are the guns that sit under the wings and for once they seem to have gotten the pilot right – it being a translucent hologram character rather than a half-sucked Simpsons-jelly baby like came with Sunstorm.

 

Transformation

The seedy underbelly of weapons placement
The seedy underbelly of weapons placement

Most people that have been collecting the MP Seekers know how to do this and it’s certainly not the most onerous MP transformation ever.  I tend to use the instructions the first time round though just to give myself a refresher – given how much these latest Seekers have cost one does NOT want an accidental breakage!  A change they have made here from some of the other Seeker toys such as Ramjet is the configuration for the guns when converting to jet mode.  The guns instead of swinging out on two big struts under the wings now fold down and sideways on double jointed smaller struts to sit flush with the side of the jet whilst two removable guns are placed under the wings.

 

So is Thrust worth getting?

For the exorbitant price tag I’d say unless you are a mad TF collector then no.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great robot and a brilliant jet, but because of the toys exclusive status they have ramped up the price to a level that is verging on the rip-off side.  But if you ARE a mad TF collector like me then he is a must have.  Can’t wait to get Thundercracker and Dirge so my MP Seeker collection can be complete!

dscf6051

Declaration of War: Big Angry Trev vs the entire Mosquito race!

Listen up you little blood-sucking bastards!

For my entire life you have harassed me without provocation.  As a teenager you bit me, after the bubbling hormones within my skinny, acne-laced frame.  In my 20’s you swarmed me, no doubt to get drunk considering my blood-alcohol content was always simmering at a .049  In self-defense I’ve swatted you, I’ve slapped you, I’ve squashed you and yet you’ve persisted.  But much like war in parts of the middle-east, where  blood feuds are passed down culturally from one generation to the next creating a never ending cycle of violence, in my 30’s you have set your descendants upon the path of carrying on your jihad against me.  But not only have you done the unconscionable of corrupting your own kids beliefs, you have now done the unforgivable, the unthinkable, the most evil thing I could think of…

You have declared war on my children!

You filthy, flying f*ckers!  My son is not yet 4 and my daughter is not even 2 and yet you descend upon them like little airborne needles and bite them relentlessly to suck their very life’s blood!  These innocent little cherubs, whose only sin is not letting their parents get enough sleep, are now the focus of your attacks! Your numbers have become such on our farm that we cannot step out our front door without layers of bug repellent on and if we forget my kids a covered in welts before we reach the edgeof the veranda.  You have taken our feud WAY too far!

So I am no longer content to simply be on the defensive, to squash you as you do kamikaze runs to pierce my epidermis.  To protect my family I will be taking our war to you!  I will be upending every source of water on the property so you have nowhere to breed – your young squirming as they expire upon the ground. I will be mowing all the long grasses in our paddocks, giant whirling blades of death destroying your safe houses.  I will never leave my home without swatters swinging from my belt, ready to slap you out of the air upon sight, the cheap neon plastic crushing your limbs and wings, caving in your skulls until your minuscule brains shoot our your long proboscis.  I will even resort to chemical warfare, patrolling my dwelling with giant spray cans full of airborne poisons, it entering your tiny lungs and choke the life from you until you drop out of the air, writhing in pain until death takes you.

The pale avenger!
The pale avenger!

This is WAR mutha f*ckers!  And you aint seen shit yet!  I will KILL each and every one of you on sight!  I will hunt you down – the men, the women, the larva!  I will POISON, I will CRUSH! YOUR LAMENTATION OF THE MOSSIE-HOLOCAUST WILL BE GREAT AND I WILL SEE YOUR ENTIRE RACE DESTROYED!  CRY HAVOC AND LET SLIP THE BUG ZAPPERS OF WAR!

You should never have gone after my kids – you guys are f*cking dead!

Ask Trev – Chicken care questions

One of the first questions I got for ‘Ask Trev’ was from Maddy who was asking if she should get chickens.  Well, happily she took my advice and now has a little brood of her own.  So now we have some follow up questions about their care which I will address today.

 

Dear Farmer Trev,

Ok, so I got chooks.
19 week old pullets. They are all New Hampshire cross breeds. One Australorp cross (proving to be the noisiest), a white leggorn X and a Rhode Island Red X. The tiniest (white leghorn cross) has already come on the lay but one of the others (or potentially her) is smashing up her eggs before I get to them. How do I stop this behaviour?

Small egg: From our Frizzle Chickens. Large egg: From our Muscovy Ducks.
Small egg: From our Frizzle Chickens.
Large egg: From our Muscovy Ducks.

Though it may not be, chances are she is smashing her own eggs.  The chooks are not after the egg within, but rather the shell itself as their system breaks down egg shells in order to make more egg shells and if their system is not getting enough of what will make the shells of their eggs strong enough, they will destroy their own.

I’d recommend getting a big bag of shell grit.  It’s this grey granules stuff that looks like coarse sand.  Contained within is everything that a chicken needs to make the shells of its eggs stronger (and as a result harder for them or their coop-mates to break) and should stop them feeling they have to break existing eggs to get those nutrients.  If your chooks were bigger or older I’d suggest laying pellets but shell grit for their current state will work best.  You can also throw old egg shells back into the chicken coop for them to peck at and break.

 

Also – hen pecking – tiny has already started hen pecking the red. How do I address hen pecking if it gets really bad? Or is this the natural order of hens and there’s nothing I can do?

It’s the natural order babe – it’s where the term ‘Pecking Order’ comes from.  There is nothing short of having them in completely separate coops that you can do.  Just let them figure it out for themselves and hopefully it should die down.  My chooks have stopped it now they have figured out their hierarchy, though my ducks still engage in it after being together for a year.

 

Finally – Is there anything they really, really should not be fed or any tips for super happy hens?
Thanks Big Farmer T.
-Mads.

Kitchen scraps, wheat and either shell grit or laying pellets should give them all the sustenance they need.  There is not much that can harm a chook as if it’s a food that’s not good for them they won’t eat it (case in point with potato peelings).  And of course don’t feed them any kind of bird meat, though once again they probably wouldn’t touch it anyway.  A small garlic clove dropped into their water once in a blue moon is good for keeping away mites.  Also get yourself a wormwood plant, grow it to a nice size in a pot and stick it in their coop.  They will peck at it now and then and it’s great for keeping away fleas and other insects that will bother your chickens without driving away the bugs they like to eat.

As for super happy hens, just plenty of food, water, shelter, protection from predators and as much space to scratch around as you can manage and they should be happy little hens indeed!